The first step in taming your child’s tantrums is to make sure you’re responding in the proper way. Here is a proven formula that works:

1) Don’t give in
The worst thing you can do when a child throws a fit is to give in and acquiesce to their demands. This teaches a child that tantrums work, which will only ensure you see a lot more of them in the future. No matter what your child does or how embarrassed you might be by their behavior, you cannot give in or begin bargaining with a child when they throw a fit. If you do, you’re reinforcing bad behavior. You can listen and negotiate when a child’s behavior is under control, but once a tantrum starts, all compromises and negotiations must cease.

Chronic tantrums often emerge because parents avoid the more arduous tasks in parenting. They’re tired, busy, or in a hurry, and so letting a child have their way seems easier in the moment than the hassle that comes with standing your ground. But what might be easier in the moment does not serve your long-term goals. You’ll be equally hurried, busy, or tired a week from now, and avoidance of parenting today only makes your task that much harder down the road. Hold your ground today, and you’ll have fewer problems tomorrow.

2) Show empathy
Start your response by sympathizing with a child’s desires. Tantrums occur because something has upset your little one. An upset child needs acknowledgement of this pain and comfort for their feelings, no matter how silly their reasons might seem.

Unfortunately, most adults take precisely the opposite approach. Because the child’s behavior is now interfering with our desires, we respond in a callous and combative way:

• Stop whining

• Quit being such a baby

• If you don’t stop acting like this right this minute, you’re going to your room for the rest of the day.

• I told you no, now stop it!

• Well if that’s the case, then I’m never getting you anything again!

This only worsens the situation. Imagine if you were crying because your significant other left you, and someone came along and said, “Stop being such a baby, and if you don’t get over this loss and stop your crying this very minute, I’m going to take you to jail.” Tell me: Would such a response help you get your emotions under control? Or would it merely add to the distress you were feeling? Might this reaction be the very thing that sets you off and sends you into a destructive emotional spiral?

Children are no different. The reasons they get emotional might seem unimportant to us, but the underlying feelings work the same. A far better approach is to show empathy toward a child’s plight, regardless of the merits of their cause:

• I can see that you’re really upset, so you must be feeling pretty bad right now. Maybe we can come up with other ways of helping you feel better.

• You worked on that an awful long time, so it must feel pretty awful to have someone come along and wreck it like that.

• This must seem really important to you.

• I hate seeing you so upset. Bad feelings aren’t much fun, are they?

Showing empathy DOES NOT mean you give in to a child’s tantrum or bend over backwards to make them feel better. It merely means you acknowledge their emotions and express sympathy for how they are feeling right now. Doing so can vastly reduce the length of the tantrum or even prevent it in the first place. If you can, try to offer some physical affection alongside the empathetic statements.

3) Challenge the behavior
After empathizing with a child’s emotions, you want to challenge the way they are behaving. Point out that such behavior doesn’t actually achieve their goals, and outline a better approach they can take:

• Throwing a fit certainly doesn’t make me any more inclined to listen to you. There’s a very good reason I told you no, and if you get yourself under control, we can talk about other things we might do instead. But behaving like this won’t get you anywhere.

• I can see how upset you are, but you’re not thinking clearly right now, because this type of behavior certainly doesn’t help your cause.

• I’m open to hear what you have to say, but only if you stop this type of behavior. I don’t negotiate with kids who are throwing tantrums, so why don’t you pick yourself up and try to calm down, and we can have a talk about what you’re feeling.

• It certainly doesn’t make me want to listen when you act like this.

• I’d love to hug you and hear what you’re feeling, but you need to try and calm down.

With older children (those 6 and up), you can also appeal to their social senses: “Everyone is looking at you right now. What do you suppose they’re thinking?”

Want to keep reading? We’ve got a lot more tips and advice on dealing with tantrums in our eBook, Positive Parenting.  It’s just $&.99, and all author proceeds from your purchase go to help kids in need. (coming soon)

 

 

Positive Parenting 
Whether you’re an experienced parent or are just getting started with your family, our eBook Positive Parenting has helpful advice for everyone. Get it for just $7.99, with all auther proceeds from your purchase going to support charitable causes for children.