The “terrible twos” is a term parents use to describe the difficult, defiant, and disruptive behavior toddlers are infamous for. What adults refer to as the terrible twos can actually start at around age 1 1/2, and sometimes extends well into age 3. But most kids will start to outgrow this behavior by about 3 years of age or a little bit before.

Terrible Twos, or Terrific Twos?

Parents may call this stage the “terrible twos,” but the truth is that all this “terrible” behavior is really just a sign that your child is growing into an autonomous person and exercising a sense of self-agency. They’re testing limits, intentionally provoking others, and doing things just because they can.

While this might seem “terrible” from your standpoint, since you’re the parental fence trying to constrain this 25-pound battering ram of unruly behavior, it’s actually a quite remarkable stage of child development:

Toddlers are pushing towards autonomy, shedding the constraints of infancy and learning how to become an independent person.

Two-year-olds are developing their own opinions and desires.

Your child is learning to exert themselves and voice their prerogative.

They are developing a sense of self-agency and sense of empowerment, and thus enjoy making things happen. Toddlers love engaging in an action just to provoke an effect; pushing something off the table, for example, or turning around and throwing the item you just gave to them.

All of these are wonderful things that you want to happen as your child develops. We just don’t find it so endearing when they decide to exercise their self-agency and strong opinions against us. Or when they push over the block tower their sister was so painstakingly creating just to see what happens. What seems like random and petty vandalism is really just a way for your toddler to feel powerful and potent. If we had a device that could convert their thoughts to speech, they’d be saying, “Look! I did that. Look at how powerful I am. That tub of toys is now all over the floor because I came along. I have the ability to alter the world around me.”

What causes the terrible twos?

Some of this behavior is quasi-intentional – at least to the extent that any toddler behavior can be considered intentional or pre-meditated. It’s a way of testing boundaries. Like a scientist testing out different hypothesis, they’re pressing against parental constraints to see where the limits reside. Or as state previously, they enjoy making things happen.

In other cases behavior we attribute to the “terrible twos” could be a simple consequence of brain misalignment: They have powerful impulses and the urge to express them, but don’t yet possess the cognitive competence to restrain these urges and effectively handle disappointment. So a child possesses the newfound ability to act out impulses but is still working on the capacity to restrain them. When you try to thwart your child’s desires, it could be that they simply don’t have the capacity to manage it properly. The desires and impulses for autonomy emerge before the brain has the capacity to control them, and it takes a bit of time for a child’s cognitive reasoning areas to catch up.

Dealing with the terrible twos

Here are some tips on how to handle this challenging developmental stage:

1) Adopt the right attitude

Adopting the right attitude toward this behavior will help you take it in stride and keep your sanity. When your child bolts down the supermarket isle immediately after you told them to stay put, heading for the sugary cereal you just told her she couldn’t have, instead of thinking to yourself, ‘What a rotten brat,’ tell yourself, ‘My, what a spirited child this one is.’ Remind yourself of the positive aspects of this behavior, and it will help you manage it better.

2) Be calm but firm
Set appropriate limits and then calmly enforce them. Try not to get mad or lose your temper. Just think of yourself as a cat herder for the next year or so: gently redirecting their behavior when it’s necessary.

3) Explain
Give explanations for your restrictions and expectations, no matter how young your child. The more you attempt to explain the reasoning behind whatever restrictions you impose, the less resistance you’ll encounter:

“It’s my job to make sure you eat healthy, and that’s full of sugar and we already have treats at home.”

Two-year-olds may still give you a hassle, but it will drain away some of the conviction they have, and possibly even help them grow out of this stage a tad bit sooner.

4) Acknowledge the child’s desires
Toddlers, just like everyone else, want to be heard and have their feelings acknowledged. They want others to care about their concerns and desires. When you show empathy toward their desires, it makes it easier for them to let things go:

“Those fruity loops sure are colorful, I can see why you might want them. But not today. We have other treats at home. If you’re good maybe we can try them some other time.”

5) Look for ways to accommodate your child’s development
Toddlers are craving autonomy, self-agency, and a sense of empowerment. The more you help them express these needs in appropriate ways, the less likely they are to spring such behavior on you at inopportune times:

Give your child the opportunity to make simple choices: What type of outfit should we wear? What game should we play? Would you like Goldfish or graham crackers as a snack?

Play games that involve them exercising a sense of self-agency: Throw rocks into a pond, pull out the pots and pans and bang on them, build a block tower together just so they can push it over, set out bubble wrap and let them stomp on it, and so on.

Let them perform simple everyday actions: dump out a mop bucket, break apart the spaghetti noodles, or let them open up food packaging.

When do children outgrow the terrible twos?
Kids will start to grow out of this behavior as they become more secure in their personal autonomy and begin to realize that pushing everyone’s buttons and creating constant friction in their environment doesn’t serve their interests and isn’t worth the hassle. They’ll start to get better at managing their impulses and handling disappointment, so that every “no” doesn’t turn into a full-contact sparring match. As this happens, they’ll start to settle into a more prosocial, cooperative attitude. You’ll still get defiance and the occasional tantrum, but it won’t be such a constant struggle to reign in their unruly behavior.