Family Instability During & After Divorce

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“Divorce is a threat to the child’s very existence as he or she knows it, a shaking of everything stable and sure. It is an emotional earthquake of the highest magnitude.”
-Archibald D. Hart (1989, p. 57)

During a divorce, essentially everything the child has come to believe of as permanent and stable crumbles away. Family is fragile; this is essentially the message children receive. This is a depressing – and often flat out terrifying – realization for children to accept. It’s one that turns their world view and sense of security upside down. They may struggle with fears of parental abandonment. After all, if family can just split apart or abandon each other when they’re upset, what’s to stop a parent from “divorcing” them? They often worry what else in their life may crumble at any moment. If family isn’t safe, then nothing is, or so goes the reasoning.

In addition to the feelings of instability and the overall message this creates, there is very real physical instability. Children often move homes, start new schools, and are forced to make new friends. They must often learn to live a life of frequent transitions as they’re being shuttled around between parents according to custody arrangements. Humans are resistant to change. We don’t like it and it stresses us out. Children are no different, and divorce brings with it a great deal of instability in their lives that can lead to problems.

Instability 

There’s the widespread belief that divorce results only in temporary instability as the family separates and then reconvenes in a different form. Yet as Wallerstein, Lewis & Blakeslee (2000, p. 28) note, “this is not what happens to most children of divorce. They experience not one, not two, but many more losses (and disruptions) as their parents go in search of new lovers or partners. Each of these ‘transitions’ (as demographers call them) throws the child’s life into turmoil and brings back painful reminders of the first loss.”

In the longitudinal Wallerstein study, only 7 of 131 kids experienced stable second marriages in which they had good relationships with step-parents and step-siblings. Two-thirds grew up in families where they experienced multiple divorces and remarriage of one or both of their parents.

After a divorce, it typically takes at least two or three years to adjust and get back to a sense of normalcy. (Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980; StanleyHagan & Anderson, 1989) In around the time it takes children to settle into this new life, one or both parents might remarry. This throws in another adjustment period, which researchers say typically takes two or three years to settle into as well. When you start to add up these periods of instability and adjustment, they can quickly consume a child’s entire youth, replacing the stable home a child experienced before the divorce with perpetual instability for the rest of their childhood.

This instability creates stress, depression and anxiety, and is also a major contributor to the behavioral problems common to children of divorce. Preschool teachers would be quick to tell you that even transitions from one activity to another in the daily life of the classroom have a tendency to create stress that leads to behavioral problems. Transitions are a major aspect of classroom management, because rough transitions can throw the entire class into chaos.

Transitions don’t come any bigger than the real life transitions of divorce, and so if simple classroom transitions can cause turmoil and behavioral problems, amplify this many times over and you understand the potential for this instability to create major problems.

The mediators:

A) Children need to be reassured that love for them is unconditional, and will always be there.

B) The fewer structural changes you can make to the child’s life, the better. Parents should do their best to maintain stable routines and schedules for their kids.

See also:

Divorce is likely the biggest life change you will ever make for you kids. Don’t go into it blind! Get our eBook, A Parent’s Guide to Divorce, which is packed with additional information guiding you through every aspect of the divorce process.  It’s just $4.99, with all author proceeds from your purchase going to help kids in need.

 


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