Harm From Verbal Abuse

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The harm from verbal abuse can be quite extensive. In fact, many people don’t realize that verbal abuse typically harms children more than other physical or sexual abuse.

“Verbal abuse is a form of domestic violence. It is a form of psychological and emotional torture. It is a form of brainwashing.”
– Dr. Albert Ellis & Marcia Grad Powers (2000, p.46)

We all remember the school yard phrase: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Anyone who has lived beyond the age of four also knows this to be one of the biggest lies ever told. Words do hurt, and they can have a profound impact. A verbal assault can be just as severe as any physical attack. The verbal abuse of children is one of the most prevalent types of abuse in our society, and it’s also among the most damaging. It manages to avoid public scrutiny, in part because it is so common, and in part because it’s tedious to define and measure, as it occurs in numerous forms and doesn’t leave a physical trace. (Bojkova, 2008; Evans, 1993) Yet despite this lack of attention, verbal abuse is generally more harmful than the other forms of abuse which do garner the public spotlight.

Why verbal abuse harms children

To many people, the idea of verbal abuse as the most severe form of maltreatment is a tough cookie to swallow. After all, it’s the easiest form of abuse to come by. It only takes a moment to say something hurtful, and it can be done from yards away without ever laying a hand on a child. But think about it for a minute. Read the chapter on sexual abuse: is it the sexual acts, or the ideas about those acts which create problems? A child isn’t harmed in the least should someone play with their genitals or even engage them in other sex acts, so long as the contact is not aggressive or hurtful. This is evidenced by the cultural variations discussed in chapter 3; the only potential damage comes through harmful ideas about those actions. How about physical abuse? Let’s say a parent loses control and strikes a child. While a physical assault may hurt a child physically, it’s the emotional impact of the event that will be the more severe source of harm. That’s the part that will keep hurting. Physical abuse isn’t so much about physical pain. Children will endure all sorts of pain growing up. It’s the hostility, and the meaning it brings. Physical abuse sends a message to the child: I don’t like you and I want to hurt you. Child abuse hinges more on ideas and messages than it does actions. Verbal abuse and psychological abuse are the most blatant delivery of those harmful messages. It is child abuse in its purest form.

One meta-analysis of 208 studies, encompassing 6,153 individuals who were subjected to various forms of stress, found that the worst of all stressors was when someone was the recipient of harsh criticism and was helpless to do anything about it. (Dickerson & Kemeny, 2004) Both are indicative of a child’s situation during verbal abuse. Cortisol levels spiked the most when the source of stress was personal and judgmental, and the chemical remained in the brain for longer periods after the stressor. While these studies encompassed adults, (they would have been considered unethical to conduct on children), there is no reason to presume that results would differ any among children. This gives definitive validity (at least in physiological terms) to verbal abuse as among the most severe of all forms of maltreatment. Other research which has cross-compared abusive environments tends to confirm such suspicions. One group studied the worst combinations of child abuse and neglect and found verbal abuse to be 1.17 times more associated with harm than physical neglect, 1.4 times worse than physical abuse or emotional neglect, and 7 times more associated with lasting harm than childhood sexual abuse. (Ney et al., 1994)

Children are young and impressionable, and the things said to them, along with the beliefs they derive from such statements, will mean more than just about anything done to them. Verbal abuse is like a gun; it doesn’t take much to squeeze the trigger, but that doesn’t prevent it from causing some serious damage. Verbal and emotional abuse is a form of social abuse. The three terms are virtually interchangeable. Verbal abuse consists of socially threatening statements to a child; comments that attack a child’s need for love, acceptance, and positive regard from their caretakers. It either attacks a child’s sense of attachment with their caretakers, or it attacks their social identity and self-worth; and quite frequently both. Either way, it attacks the two biggest foundations for a child’s life: attachment and social belonging.

Dickerson & Kemeny (2004) make the argument that threats to the social self (such as being ridiculed, humiliated, called names, cut down or judged) are so potent biologically that they rival threats to our very survival in terms of their stress-inducing properties. Such experiences attack the core of one’s self-worth. After all, as the brain equation goes, if we are judged to be undesirable, we may suffer complete rejection, which is a threat to one’s very life and happiness. Children, whose very survival depends on being accepted and cared for by adults, are all the more sensitive to such ridicule. When they find themselves the source of harsh judgment by the people they depend on for love and affection, it is a profoundly painful experience. The Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC) is the part of the brain that registers both social and physical pain, and there’s not a whole lot of difference between the two. Social hurts have been shown to be just as bad as physical pain. (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004)

Harm from verbal abuse

In his thesis ‘Incubated in Terror,’ Perry (1997, p. 126) accurately observes that “the most destructive violence does not break bones, it breaks minds” and that “emotional violence does not result in the death of the body, it results in the death of the soul.” Hibbard et ale (2012, p. 372) agree, stating that psychological forms of maltreatment “may be the most challenging and prevalent form of child abuse and neglect” and that emotional abuse is “just as harmful as other types of maltreatment.” (p. 376) Other child abuse specialists have lamented the fact that even though emotional abuse seems to be both more prevalent and MORE HARMFUL than other forms of child abuse, it receives little attention from authorities or the criminal justice system. (Keith-Oaks, 1990)

Indeed, professionals of all backgrounds are coming to the conclusion that the effects of emotional abuse may be more severe than those of physical or sexual abuse, seeing as verbal/emotional abuse results in greater declines in mental and psychological development. (Jacoby, 1985) Those who work with teen suicides note that verbal and psychological abuse seems to be the most difficult to treat (Slaby & Garfinkel, 1994, p. 89), lending further validity to the idea that it is also the most destructive. As Frazier, Morgan & Hayes (1993, pp. 3-4) state, “There is growing consensus among professionals that emotional maltreatment appears to be an integral part of all forms of abuse. Because of its pervasive nature, some believe it is as harmful as, or more harmful than, other forms of abuse.” They add that in comparison to other types of abuse, “its impact is more destructive on development.” Claussen and Crittenden (1991) also weigh in on the topic to a similar effect, saying that there is a rapidly growing recognition among professionals that psychological maltreatment may be particularly instrumental in harming children.

Additional evidence about the destructiveness of verbal/emotional abuse in relation to other types of abuse can be obtained through the testimony of those who have endured both. Steve Simpson, a youth advocate working with teen runaways, who also came from an abusive home as a child, notes that “as someone whose had both (physical and verbal abuse) . . . I can tell you that verbal is even worse than the physical, because it trashes your self-esteem.” (CNN News, 10-24-09)

His sentiments are hardly unique. Those who know maltreatment issues know that far more damage can be done with a single cutting remark than with anything physical. Though testimonials from children are virtually non-existent because of obvious methodological barriers in collecting them, analysis of verbally abused adults reaffirms this principle. In her 1993 book, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Patricia Evans documents a mountain of evidence about how destructive simple words can be. One survivor of verbal abuse remarks that, “A ‘lifetime’ later and years after (her abuser’s) death I talked to a doctor. When I told the doctor that mine is not a pretty story, he asked, ‘Did he beat you up?’ I said, ‘No, only with words’ and he said, ‘I have seen people shredded to pieces by verbal abuse; it is worse than by beating.’” (Evans, 1993, p. 72)

Another describes verbal abuse as “bloodless murder.” (ibid, p. 90) Another tells of her experience in a domestic violence support group: “To learn more about verbal abuse and control issues, I attended a support group for abused women for over two years. Week after week, women would walk in with broken bones, bruises, cuts. They’d tell about being taken to the hospital emergency room, some more than once. With woman after woman, I’d ask: ‘Which was worse in your relationship, the physical abuse or the verbal abuse?’ And without exception the answer was the verbal abuse, ‘Truly! ‘” (ibid, p. 122) Patricia Evans’ own research of verbal abuse supports these testimonials, reporting that “many … say that the mental anguish of verbal abuse is much worse than being hit.” (ibid, p. 145) Other authors concur, stating that “sharp words hurt more than a slap in the face.” (Guarino, 1991) Yes, someone can cause more injury to a child and deliver more hurt with a stinging tongue than could be done by assaulting them.

Of course, this should not be anything new … we’ve been warned that “the tongue is mightier than the sword” for thousands of years, and we all know from personal experience just how hurtful words can be. Hurtful words can cause negative emotions, stress, physiological changes in the body, poor self-esteem, social problems, future detriments in adulthood, and emotional abuse often leads to suicide. In other words, it can cause all the damage of any other type of serious abuse, perhaps even more, all without physically laying a hand on a child.

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