When you work with disturbed children, you get pretty good at playing dodgeball. Only these dodgeball games are informal and unplanned. And instead of using a soft rubber ball, they might be played with hard, sharp or pointy objects, like the stapler retrieved from the teacher’s desk, or a pair of scissors the child happened to have in hand. Before too long you’ll find yourself ducking and weaving and catching objects out of midair like something from the matrix.
If you can relate to this image and know just what I’m talking about, then you must have experience dealing with a disturbed child. Working with disturbed kids is always an adventure. It can be quite taxing and difficult. But it’s also one of the most important jobs in the world.
Disturbed children aren’t “bad kids,” just children who are carrying around a whole lot of hurt, creating a boiling cauldron of rage in their psyche. If you can be patient and persistent with your love and devotion, refusing to give up on them no matter how badly they behave, eventually you’ll break the ice and start pulling that inner goodness they’ve buried deep inside back to the surface.
The stakes are high: What you do or don’t do can make or break their life. Having at least one involved adult who shows them love and refuses to give up can mean the difference between a functional person and a lifetime spent in prison,
Working with disturbed kids
Below I’ll outline some basic tips and strategies for working with disturbed kids. But no internet page is ever going to provide you with everything you need to know. For this we offer two eBooks that will help anyone dealing with a disturbed child:
1. Our book Difficult Children covers strategies for dealing with kids who have behavioral disorders. It will teach you how to handle disturbed kids and give you tools and insight to correct and eventually eliminate a child’s behavioral problems.
Get Difficult Children ($9.99 eBook; all author proceeds from your purchase go to further our charitable causes and help kids in need.)
2. Our book Vulnerable Children discusses kids who’ve experienced attachment traumas or who otherwise come from disadvantaged backgrounds. It’s more focused on helping you understand the compromised child and healing the wounds that create problematic behavior. It also offers practical advice on dealing with the problems common to these kids, such as separation anxiety, hoarding, stealing and sexualized behavior.
Get Vulnerable Children ($7.99 eBook; all author proceeds from your purchase go to further our charitable causes and help kids in need)
Tips for dealing with disturbed children
Here are a few basic fundamentals for those teaching or caring for disturbed children:
I. Be cautious about triggering attachment insecurities
Most disturbed kids have attachment injuries. They crave love and attention but possess a reservoir of hurt and insecurity sitting alongside this fundamental need. Which is why they can seem extremely loving and affectionate one moment only to seemingly have been taken over by a demonic possession the next. Because of this you need to be cautious about saying or doing things that would trigger this attachment insecurity and unleash the beast: A harsh tone of voice, critical statements, anything that suggests rejection or abandonment, and so forth.
2. Adjust your discipline
You can’t discipline disturbed children in the same manner you would a normal child, because as soon as you come at them in a punitive and critical manner they’re liable to explode. Discipline is still essential, just change the structure of your discipline and adjust the emotional climate under which it occurs. Make sure every discipline session begins with a simple statement of affection: “Jessy, my love, tell me what’s going on right now?” Then focus on what the disturbed child is feeling FIRST before you delve into their transgressions and how it made the other child feel. This way you’re not triggering them at the outset. It gives you a chance to defuse their emotions before getting into the more adversarial aspects of discipline, thus reducing the likelihood of an explosion. Be sure to start and end each discipline session with a gesture of affection.
3. Avoid punishment whenever possible
Most adults overuse punishment. Punishment is a means to an end, not the end in itself. The more you rely on punishment, the more challenges you’re going to have. Punishment is often the least effective means of instilling prosocial behavior, because it makes children bitter and resentful more than it teaches. Do your best to rely on measures that involve a child making amends for their behavior, and punish only when it’s absolutely necessary.
4. Force is counterproductive
When working with disturbed children, trying to meet defiance or aggression with force is like driving your car 80 miles per hour into a head-on collision with a train. You’re not going to win a battle of wills because they’re generally more willing to go to greater extremes than you are. You may be the bigger, more powerful person, but children who feel they have nothing to lose can make your life miserable.
Trying to control them through force also triggers those inner insecurities that are the core of most behavioral problems in the first place. So it’s counterproductive and undermines your long-term goals. Sure, you can physically restrain them and win the battle, but you’re going to lose the war. Do your best to stay out of power struggles in the first place. Respond to anger with love, meet aggression with a calm gentleness, and meltdowns with affection.
See also:
Attachment disorders in children