It’s probably been a while since you were going through puberty yourself, and it’s easy to forget what it was like. So here’s refresher course of what your child is going through:
Adolescents have one foot in two different worlds
As children go through adolescence they often feel torn between two different words: Seeking maturity and independence on one hand, yet wanting to retreat back into the comfort of childhood on another. They’ll often vacillate between demanding maturity and wanting to be a child again. “They act very mature one moment and very young the next, as in ‘age fourteen-going-on-two,”‘ write Babcock & Keepers ( 1976, p. 178).
As Rosalind Wiseman states, “One moment they can be impossibly distant and sneaky, wanting and demanding to be treated as adults; two seconds later they’re clingy and scared, insisting that their parents psychically divine that now they want to be treated like little girls again.” (Wiseman, 2009, p. 14)
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Avoid pinning your child into ageist brackets, and let them vacillate freely between childhood and maturity and independence. The more you try to make it one or the other, the more discontent they’ll feel.
Puberty can make kids moody and emotional
“When I feel stressed out, and out of balance, I take my feelings out on my mom. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster.
-Casey Lebsack, age 14 (Vannoy, 1994)
Puberty alters a child’s hormones, which can also make them moody and emotional. It’s sort of like being pregnant. They’ve gone from lower levels of hormones than typical to higher levels than adults have in a very short time. As this is occurring, their brain is also undergoing structural changes.
* Even though a child’s hormones are making them moody, you shouldn’t point this out to them. They hate it. To them it just feels like what they’re experiencing, and you chalking it all up to hormones will feel like you’re trivializing their world.
It feels as though their bodies are betraying them
Children feel awkward and self-conscious as they go through puberty. Their bodies are changing, and these changes are seldom met with enthusiasm (unless, for example, a girl has been anxiously awaiting the development her peers are already undergoing). They develop acne, body odor, and hair in places they didn’t have it before. Girls walk around holding books over their chest. Boys worry their penises will act up and they’ll get an erection at an inopportune time. All of this means they’re not completely at peace inside their own skin.
Children often feel confused
“I do not ask to be understood because I can’t even understand myself”
-A 14-year-old girl (Canfield et al., 1997)
Adolescence leaves many youth feeling confused. They’re embarking into uncharted territory, and all of this is new to them. They have thoughts and feelings they’ve never had before, and constantly wonder whether what they’re experiencing is normal. They wonder if they like guys/girls too much, or not enough.
They’re coming into a different social world
It isn’t just your child that’s changing. All of their peers are as well. These changes can bring dramatic differences to their social world. Kids become meaner, full of more pomp and pretentiousness. They start forming groups and tribal loyalties. Teasing and bullying grow in both frequency and severity. It often feels like going from a world of Care Bears to landing on the island in The Lord of the Flies.
As one girl remarks, “In fifth grade, girls were psycho. Things got so out of hand that the school brought in a psychiatrist to talk to them.” (Wiseman, 2009, p. 185) So remember that your child might be dealing with other dramas besides their own.
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