In the realm of parenting, few discussions are more dreaded than talking to kids about puberty. But if your son or daughter is sexually maturing, or they’re approaching the age of puberty, it’s a discussion that has to happen. Lack of information leads to all sorts of false assumptions with consequences that can range from amusing to completely life-altering.
How to talk to your child about puberty
Formal, sit down talks usually aren’t the best if they can be avoided. The moment you say you want to talk to your child about something, their guard goes up and they wall themselves off and become defensive and aloof. Because it raises the discomfort level, it also has the effect of further stigmatizing the subject in question and making this topic more uncomfortable.
Instead, look for opportunities to bring it up in casual conversation. (Just don’t let this be an excuse for why you perpetually put it off.) Going on walks, sitting on the porch, and bedtime rituals are good opportunities to bring it up.
Start with something like, “I noticed your body is changing” or “You’re approaching the age when your body is going to start changing.” Then follow with something like, “I remember how confusing it was for me, and I want you to be more knowledgeable than I was at your age.”
If they roll their eyes or begin giggling or blushing at some point during the conversation, go with it. Make it like you were telling raunchy jokes or make comments like, “Cringeworthy, right?” or “I know, kill me now!” Working with the discomfort rather than trying to be serious and pretend it doesn’t exist will help lighten the mood, easing some of the tension going forward.
End the conversation by telling them you’re available for questions at any time. If something feels too embarrassing or uncomfortable to talk about in person, tell them they can write it down on a piece of paper and set it on your bed or somewhere else you’re sure to find it. You’ll then write an answer and set it on their bed, no questions asked. This technique can help keep the communication open for things your child would otherwise be too embarrassed to come to you with.
Talking to your son about puberty
Here are some topics you should try to discuss as your boy goes through puberty:
Penis size
Penis insecurity is a major thing for boys, so they need to know the truth about penis size. Numbers vary by study, but a couple different reviews have found an average size of 5.2 inches and 5.16 inches when erect. (Brennan, 2019; Kofman, 2023) The Kinsey studies turned up measurements slightly larger: 6.14 inches average in whites and 6.44 inches in blacks. Thirty-percent of males had an erect penis less than 6 inches, and 98% had an erect length of less than 8 inches. Only 0.8% had a member over 8 inches. The vagina, meanwhile, averages 3.77 inches deep, though it does stretch when a female is aroused. Knowing the truth about both male and female anatomy can spare boys decades of insecurity.
Treating girls with respect
You should have a talk with your son about treating girls with respect. Help them understand why certain things can make a girl feel self-conscious and/or disrespected, and how to express their interest in appropriate ways.
About sexual harassment
America’s sexual neurosis has never been more entrenched, and levels of sexual intolerance/paranoia have never been higher. You should talk with your son about our ever-expanding definitions of sexual harassment so they don’t accidentally stumble into legal trouble.
Talking to your daughter about puberty
Here are some topics you should try to discuss as your girl goes through puberty:
Breast growth
Whereas penis size is often an insecurity for boys, the breasts are the same for girls. Your daughter needs to know that A) Breast growth isn’t always even, especially when they’re first developing; B) Nipples and areolas come in an assortment of sizes, shapes and colors, and all are attractive to boys; C) Contrary to the ideas preached by popular culture, breast size isn’t the be-all end-all of attractiveness, and just as many guys are into smaller breasts as larger ones. Each body type has its advantages and disadvantages.
Periods & menstruation
If your daughter has not experienced her first menarche, she needs to know what to expect. See our information on menstruation in girls for things to discuss.
Body fat
Girls need to know it’s normal to add a bit of girth around their hips and thighs as they go through puberty, and this does not automatically mean they are getting fat. It’s part of normal development.
Discussions to have with children of both genders
How kids around them are changing
Help your child understand that everyone’s confused and more insecure, and they’re likely to hide these insecurities behind pompous defense mechanisms. Kids are also likely to get a bit meaner as hormones surge and they struggle to fit into their new identity. Try to take it in stride, and don’t become one of the mean kids yourself.
The basics about sex and reproduction
If you haven’t had ‘the talk,’ it’s time to do so. Chances are your child already knows the mechanics, since most kids are exposed to porn in elementary school. But you should still do it to address misperceptions they’ve formed. Studies show that most parents don’t actually get around to talking about sex until after their chid is already sexually active. (CNN News, 12-7-2009)
About birth control
Both boys and girls should know how to put on a condom. They should know the most fertile times in a female’s cycle, and that sperm can survive for up to 5 days inside the vagina.
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