Puberty can be a tumultuous time in any child’s life. It marks the transition between childhood and maturity, prompting a reorganization of a child’s identity and an emerging desire for independence. Knowing how to help children through puberty can alleviate some of this distress.
Why puberty is so traumatic for many youth
Unfortunately, modern western societies make the transition through puberty especially difficult on children. As anthropologist Colin Turnbull writes, “Insofar as adolescence is related to the biological fact of puberty, I cannot think of a single culture I know that handles this crucial stage of life more abysmally than we do. The consequences of our folly are to be seen all around us in the violence, neurosis and loneliness of our youth, our adults, and our aged, some of whom never even approach the fullness and richness of life that could have been theirs had their adolescence been handled with more wisdom, understanding, and gentle respect.” (Turnbull, 1983, p. 81)
Much of the turmoil comes from our sexually repressive childrearing practices. Americans have been led to believe that they must vigilantly work to bar sexuality from their children’s lives, so they fight against sexual development and learning at every turn. They try to hide sex, lie about the facts of life, and punish kids for engaging in any type of sex play or body exploration. Children are taught to regard sexuality as something naughty, sinful, evil, shameful, embarrassing, dirty, perverted, repulsing, and altogether wrong. Through our words and actions, we teach kids to be deeply ashamed of their bodies and to feel humiliated over the sexual aspects of themselves.
Then along comes puberty, and suddenly this big black stain of shame is thrust to the forefront of a child’s existence. Their body is changing, and those shameful places are the focal point. They develop secondary sex characteristics that others are bound to notice, broadcasting their humiliation to the entire world. Their thoughts and fantasies become more vivid, detailed and colorful, creating a sense of internal shame. Sexual dynamics are thrust to the forefront of peer relationships as well, leaving a significant part of their life revolving around this reservoir of shame and insecurity.
It also creates a type of identity whiplash. We prevent children from incorporating sexual aspects into their identity when they are younger, which forces kids to completely rework their self-perception at adolescence, and to do so from a place of profound shame and confusion. They must take this thing that all their life they’ve been told is evil and wrong and work it into a healthy self-identity. American society also creates this false dichotomy surrounding childhood and sexuality, to the point we even suggest childhood has been lost or a youngster’s “innocence” stolen should they have a sexual experience or in any way brush up against the sexual realm. This creates a dynamic where the inclusion of one characteristic implies the abolition of others. If we incorporated their sexual nature into their identity all along, not only would this avoid a schizophrenic scenario where youth suddenly feel like they’re becoming an entirely different person, but it would avoid the sense that their sexual development is coming at the expense of or loss of something else.
It all leaves youth feeling deeply discombobulated. As Turnbull notes, kids in developed societies “still grow through adolescence and youth into adulthood with their sexual maturity hanging over them like some secret and loathsome specter.” (ibid, p. 82) This leads to the type of psychological turmoil and adolescent conflict that’s become all-too familiar in American families. Many people mistakenly assume that teenage turmoil is a universal fact of life. It isn’t. It’s a direct consequence of our modern childrearing practices, and such struggles are entirely absent in many other cultures. (Mead, 1928; Epstein, 2013; you can read more about this topic in the chapter on Growing Pains in the book: Sexual Neurosis – The Silent Abuse Epidemic.)
Of course, the oppression doesn’t stop when kids reach adolescence. Many parents continue to stifle their child’s growth and development, leading to additional psychological turmoil and conflict. As professor Robert Epstein writes, “My own research suggests that it is only when we hold people back from adulthood that we see the depression, defiance and anger so typical of American teens, nearly 50 percent of whom are now diagnosable with at least one emotional, behavioral or substance abuse disorder, according to the 2010 National Comorbidity Survey.” (Epstein, 2013)
Helping children through puberty
If your child is going through puberty, at this point there’s little parents can do to reverse the shame-conditioning virtually every American youth has endured. (See our information on Raising Sexually Healthy Children if you’d like to alleviate some of this suffering with any younger siblings.) Parents are also constrained by the society we live in. Many of these problems are structural in nature, mandating teens be kept in a state of limbo for years that prevents the type of freedom, growth and autonomy they crave as they mature. There are, however, many things you can do to make the process of sexual maturation easier on kids.
Helping Your Child Through Puberty
Don’t withdraw or pull back on affection
This advice is primarily for fathers: I’ve encountered way too many stories of fathers suddenly becoming cold, distant and aloof once a girl hits puberty because they didn’t know how to handle their daughter’s or stepdaughter’s sexual maturity.
Your girl does not suddenly become an all new person just because she starts developing secondary sex characteristics. Do all the same things with her you’ve always done, and try not to treat her any differently. “The worst mistake for a father to make at this time in his daughter’s life is to withdraw himself from her, because he does not know how to deal with his own response to her developing sexuality,” write Jeanne & Don Elium. “Daughters need reassurance from the first men in their lives that these changes they are undergoing are okay, that their father still loves them. Fathers provide a safe harbor where daughters can pause, take a deep breath, say, ‘I’m okay, Dad thinks I’m great,’ and return to the confusing seas of adolescence.” (Elium & Elium, 1994, p. 104)
Don’t tease your child about their body or development
This might seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be astonished just how many parents deflect discomfort about puberty by teasing their child about it or poking fun at a child’s physical development.
“When my daughter started her period, I felt awkward and tongue-tied,” says one father. “I withdrew and hid behind my sarcasm. One day, Teddy was in one of her moods, and I teased her about it. She erupted and really let me have it. ‘I hate it when you make fun of me and my friends. You just sit back and judge me. I hate it!’ Then she ran to her room and slammed the door. I was shocked and thought, ‘What have I done?’ I joined a father’s group not long after that, and I’m learning about the mistakes I made and how to get closer to my daughter. I’m glad I’m not missing out on her last years at home by hiding behind my fears about her growing up.” (Elium & Elium, 1994, p. 105)
Treat them more like young adults
As a child goes through puberty they begin to crave more autonomy and independence, and want to be seen as more mature. There are a number of simple things parents can do to satisfy this yearning without making any grand changes:
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Ask for their opinion more often
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Get their perspective on world events
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Ask for their perspective on struggles friends are going through
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Seek their help on tasks they can help you with
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Give them more responsibility.
This will help alleviate some of the identity conflicts children experience, and might keep them from rebelling in other ways.
Allow your child room to grow
When puberty hits and children grow into adolescence, one of the biggest sources of conflict is that parents do not allow their child room and freedom to grow. In fact, as their child starts to pull away or push for independence, many parents push back, restricting rather than granting autonomy. This is a mistake.
Make sure they have access to information
For many youth, puberty ushers in a state of confusion. After all, it involves that topic parents have intentionally avoided all these years and relegated to the realm of the forbidden. In the absence of information, questions go unanswered, and ignorance flourishes. Doctor Marisa Weiss says that when she conducts assemblies in Atlanta schools, girls ask questions like ….
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Does deodorant give you breast cancer? (No, it doesn’t.)
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Does sleeping on your side make your breasts grow unevenly? (No.)
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Will squeezing lemon juice on your genitals after having sex prevent pregnancy? (Absolutely not.)
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If a girl jumps up and down after having sex will this prevent pregnancy? (Also a strong no.)
Of course, if you’re the typical sexually repressed American family, there’s a wall of discomfort between you and your child when it comes to matters of sex, and so they want to talk to you about sex or body changes about as much as they want a root canal without anesthetic. Understand that your child is going to have questions they don’t feel comfortable talking to you about.
One way to try and bridge this gap is to make other information available to them. Look for books you can purchase that explain sexual development and leave these in places kids can access. Look online for websites that discuss such matters and share these links with your kids. If possible, try to pair them up with someone older and unrelated whom they can go to with questions.
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