Kids Fighting Over Toys Or Other Property

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“A major source of frustration for parents of young children is the daily struggle over property rights. Parents who are doctors, lawyers, even heads of corporations are often stymied by the legal complexities of the ‘Mine! … No mine! wars. ‘Yes, I know it’s yours, but you haven’t touched it in months, so why can’t your sister play with it?’ may sound perfectly reasonable to a parent’s ears, but provoke earsplitting shrieks from the outraged owner. Then, when the judgment is reversed – ‘Oh, all right, give it to your brother. After all it is his’ – more shrieking ensues from the newly deprived sibling. And consider the sheer number of toys to be adjudicated – the balls, the blocks, the dolls, the trucks. Who can even remember what Grandpa gave to which child last Christmas …“

– Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (1998, p. 208)

 

Experiencing constant battles over who gets what? You’re not alone. Fights over  toys and property are one of the most frequent causes of sibling disputes. They can also be mostly avoided if parents have clear and consistent rules in place for dealing with a child’s personal property, and then handle those disputes that do arise in a positive rather than punitive way. Here are some guidelines to help you accomplish this.

A) Respect a child’s right to their personal property

Property rights must be respected. Parents put themselves in an impossible position when they try to ration who should share what or why they should share it. If something belongs to a child it is theirs, and it’s not your prerogative to decide how they should use it or who it should be loaned to. And don’t try to guilt-trip the stingy child by talking about how selfish they are being, either. This will only add fuel to the conflict.

You wouldn’t like it if some government official came into your home and mandated that you loan out your coffee table to Steve down the street, or insisted you let your neighbor borrow your power saw. Even if you might be inclined to share out of your own generosity, the mere fact that someone was forcing you to do this would make you resentful. So don’t do this to your kids.

Just as importantly, this tactic will exacerbate problems in the long run, because you’re setting an unhealthy precedent. Once the kids know that you’re going to step in to force siblings to share or decide who should get what on a case-by-case basis, then several undesirable things happen:

  1. There’s incentive for children to fight over things that aren’t theirs in the hopes they might receive a favorable ruling and thereby win a victory over their sibling. They have nothing to lose, so inventing disputes over property can turn into a form of harrassment between siblings.
  2. You can be assured of being drawn into every conflict they have over a possession.
  3. You’re once again bypassing the kids to play judge. Rather than learning to work things out for themselves, they learn to fight through you.

On the other hand, once the kids know that you’re going to respect the owner’s rights to their things no matter what the situation, they won’t try to press the issue and will work with (rather than against) their sibling if they really want something.

B) Confiscate the item the proper way

If the kids are fighting over a collective toy and each one seems to have a death grip on it, it’s okay to take the object away. But the key to making this technique work is to avoid doing it punitively. If you just shout “That’s it! Now neither of you gets it!” you’ll only solidify each child in their anger. The incident ends with no resolution and with each child upset and bitter, which is how recurring patterns of conflict take hold. Instead say something like: “I’m going to keep this with me until you two are able to come up with a plan to share it nicely without fighting. As soon as you decide on something, you can have it back.” This way you’re putting the power in their hands and encouraging the incident to end with a prosocial resolution as opposed to hurt feelings.

C) Create personal space

Create a limited number of items that each child can designate as exclusively theirs. This makes them think about which things they legitimately care about and which ones they are restricting out of spite. One way to do this is to give each child a special shelf or a box/crate of the same size in which to place items they want to designate as exclusively theirs. When it starts to overflow, they must move some items to the community property area. You can decide how much personal space to give your children, but it should be big enough to hold what you know to be their favorite possessions with a little extra left over.

D) Keep things communal

Try and diminish the amount of personal property that exists in the home. The more things kids have to possess as theirs, the more it promotes restrictiveness and the more problems you might have. Though it is important for kids to have personal property of their own, make it clear from the outset that most of the things in the house are for sharing.

Solutions that typically don’t work:

  1. Buying two of everything – Even if you can afford this, it sends the wrong message (one that isn’t conducive to real life). It’s also unlikely to end the disputes. You’ll just spend a lot more time saying things like “Where is yours at?” or “Go get yours” rather than “Can’t you find a way to share?” The bickering will continue, just in different form. There may be times you want to buy each child the same item out of practicality or need, but you shouldn’t use this tactic as a behavior management strategy.
  2. Flipping a coin – Though it may give you a winner and a loser, it typically produces a sore loser, and this technique doesn’t reinforce any of the principles you want to be instilling. It trivializes a child’s emotions while sending the message that fair and just treatment is a matter or mere chance.

 

 

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