Sibling Conflict: What To Do About the Fighting that Occurs Between Brothers and Sisters

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“I get along fine with each child individually, but when the two of them are together, I can’t stand either one of them.”

– A frustrated parent (Faber & Mazlish, 1998, p.XIV)

Sibling conflict is as old as civilization. Literally. One of the oldest stories in recorded history is the biblical tale of Cane versus Abel, a cautionary lesson in what can happen when sibling conflict goes awry. Your children may not have murdered each other yet in a feat of jealous rage, but there may be times when it seems like they’ve come close. Which begs the question: If even God himself can’t keep siblings from going at each other, what hope do you have?

There isn’t a family in the world that escapes sibling conflict. But thankfully, the situation isn’t as dire as it seems, and there are many ways to manage it better. The usual strategies that parents employ tend to do little more than add to the resentment while creating more frustration for everyone involved. This is why the conflict continues and can seem so relentless at times.

This area will teach you tricks and techniques that will minimize the conflict and help you resolve it more effectively when it does arise. Your household may never be the Brady Bunch family, but it can be a whole lot less Cane and Abel.

“You’re ugly!”
“No, you’re ugly!”

My identical twins, fighting. @MamaNeedsACoke

The Positive Side of Sibling Conflict

If you’ve made your way to these pages, chances are you’re quite frustrated or even at your wits end over all the fighting that’s been going on in your home. If that’s the case, it will probably be beneficial to take a step back and put things in perspective. While sibling conflict can be a serious problem and is certainly a major nuisance for parents, sometimes we have a tendency to see things as more dire than they really are. Here are some things to remember:

1. Some amount of conflict is both normal and beneficial to children

Sibling conflict is widespread throughout nature and seems to serve a functional role. Wolf pups will begin play-fighting with their litter-mates when they are just 3 weeks old, and a great many hurts will be experienced along the way. But through these episodes they also learn how to compete and cooperate while existing in a world of social hierarchies.

When it comes to humans, the same thing applies. Sibling relationships provide a valuable learning experience precisely because they are more conflict-riddled and precarious. As Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., states, “Periods of apparent animosity between siblings seem to help children with their social development. Children can take more risks with a brother or sister because a sibling can’t reject them in the same way friends might.” (1996, p. 161) Fighting also appears to help children practice conflict management skills that they’ll need as they grow older, or to differentiate themselves from their brothers and sisters.

As psychologist Hara Estroff Marano writes, “In the long view, sibling conflict is necessary, inevitable, and an instrument of self-definition that has a correctable course over time.” (2010, p. 61) Try to remember this whenever the kids are about to battle it out with the blocks that grandma got them for Christmas.

2. Fighting does not mean that siblings don’t love each other

According to research by Dr. Wyndol Furman of the University of Denver, the amount of conflict between children is not a reliable indicator of their affection towards each other. So take heart in the fact that underneath all the squabbling there is likely to be a connection that runs deep.

3. Siblings may not perceive fighting in the same way you do

“Some of the things my boys do frighten me to death. The other day they were throwing heavy wooden blocks at each other. After I broke up the fight and sent them to their rooms, I had such a headache I had to lie down. Then as I was stretched out on the bed with a washrag on my head, I heard the two of them laughing and starting to play with each other. I thought, ‘Wonderful for them! I’m glad they’re over it. I’ve got a migraine.'”

-A frustrated mother (Faber & Mazlish, 1998, pp. 128-29)

Most parents interpret sibling conflict as a sign of trouble. For most children, however, conflict in the sibling relationship is what migration is for birds – just something they feel compelled to do as part of the dynamic that exists between them. What seems like an all-out brawl to you may be perceived as nothing more than a “heated negotiation” to them. A lot of it may be for play or for show.

In the words of Lawrence Kutner, “To adults, sibling squabbles can look and sound vicious and perhaps even dangerous. Such appearances are usually misleading. Pediatricians will tell you that they’re much more likely to treat injuries from fights between children who aren’t relatives than between siblings. A lot of the screaming is for the benefit of the parents and doesn’t really reflect their real feelings about each other. The battles are, to borrow from Shakespeare… ‘Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’ When the parents are gone, the children often get along fine.” (1996, p. 163)

4. Understand that you don’t have to play God in sibling conflicts

Parents cannot micromanage the relationship between their children. This is an area where the kids need to take the initiative. It helps to remember this and keep a little bit of psychological distance between you and your kids’ fighting. “Mother can stop being annoyed over the bickering as soon as she realizes that she doesn’t have to do anything about it,” write Dreikurs & Soltz. “So much of our exasperation results from our feeling overly responsible for our children and their welfare; consequently, we cannot step out of their problems.” (1964, p. 204)

None of this is meant to dismiss the seriousness of ongoing sibling conflict, and we’ll teach you ways of reducing this conflict in a way that facilitates a more positive relationship between your children. But accomplishing this task will be easier when you’re in a calmer, more relaxed state of mind yourself.

Has Sibling bickering left you frustrated? Learn how to reduce the fighting and improve your children’s sibling relationships in our eBook Super Siblings. It’s just $7.99 and all author proceeds from your purchase go to help kids in need.

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