It may seem at times like siblings were born to bicker with each other. Anytime you have two or more children living under the same roof, issues of fairness, favoritism, jealousy, and sibling rivalry are bound to crop up.
Many parents think of sibling rivalry and sibling fighting in the same light, but they are actually two distinct issues. Sibling rivalry often leads to fighting, but it can also be more low-key; something that festers underneath the surface without creating open conflict.
Although some degree of sibling rivalry is natural, there are also a number of ways parents inadvertently provide fuel to this feuding through their actions and behavior. This information provides crucial advice that will help you alleviate the tension between siblings and keep your household running smoothly.
What Causes Sibling Rivalry
Although it may drive parents up a wall at times, rivalry between siblings seems to be a naturally occurring phenomenon. “Sibling rivalry is widespread among animals whose young receive parental care, and in this sense it is largely hard-wired,” says Frank Sulloway, a psychologist and science historian. (Marano, 2010) He contends that as children develop strategies to compete with each0for status.
In addition to the jealousy factor that arises whenever children are vying for the finite affectional capacities of their parents, sibling rivalry is a natural product of the way our brains work. As a social species, we are built to measure ourselves on the basis of social comparisons. After all, isn’t there a certain amount of rivalry even among adults? Do you not devote both time and energy towards focusing on what your neighbors have or what they are doing? Why is it humans spend so much free time engaged in gossip?
For siblings, the most immediate and apparent way to engage in social comparison is to see how they measure up against those other developing life forms in the house. This is why they will constantly monitor parental behavior for any signs that you prefer one child over another and will constantly compete for status.
Age may also play a factor. As Lawrence Kutner writes, “Intense rivalries that flourish during the early years often disappear or significantly diminish when children reach adolescence.” (1996, p. 162) This is because as children grow more secure in their identity, there is less of a need to jockey against each other to discover themselves. Sibling rivalry also tends to be more robust when siblings are closer in age, likely because of a greater need to distinguish themselves from one another, which leads to more competition.
It’s important for parents to realize that a certain amount of sibling rivalry can be healthy for children. Competition is what drives us to better ourselves, to excel and push the limits of our existence. So trying to completely eliminate sibling rivalry is an impossible goal, and one that wouldn’t necessarily be productive.
There are several other environmental factors that can fuel sibling rivalry, which we’ll discuss within this area:
- Parents placing a high emphasis on winning or achievement
- Parental favoritism or differential treatment
- Comparing children to one another or assigning them labels
- Sending the message that love is conditional
Parenting resources to deal with sibling rivalry/jealousy
A printable coloring book that teaches children about issues of fairness.
A printable coloring book that deals with jealousy over a new baby.
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