Many parents are perplexed by the sibling rivalry or all out conflict that exists between their children. The fights, the jealousy, the constant nagging and driving each other up a wall – from the perspective of parents it all seems so pointless and silly. Only when you better understand the forces driving this conflict can you hope to intervene in constructive ways.
In their book Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide a good analogy by asking parents to consider how they might feel if their spouse suddenly took on a new husband or wife. We’ve created our own version of this analogy below. So step back from your own family situation for a moment, and imagine yourself in the following scenario. It will help you better appreciate the richness of what your children are feeling from time to time.
The new addition to the family
You’ve been happily married for several years. It’s just you and your spouse with the house all to yourselves. Then one day your husband comes home and informs you that since he’s been so happy with you as his wife, he’s decided to get another wife just like you. How do you react to this news?
Though you’re likely to be aggrieved by this development and might even be very vocal in expressing your displeasure, your husband tells you it’s too late to undo. This is going to happen, and so you best get on board in the matter. He says it’s his decision, and you’ll just have to adjust.
When the new wife arrives, you can see that she’s young and extremely cute. Immediately you get the sense that she’s draining away attention that used to go to you. Your husband certainly seems enamored with her. Even when you go out as a family, everyone seems to ooh and ah over this new wife while paying little attention to you. Even when they do acknowledge your presence, it’s often merely to turn to you and say: “Isn’t it so wonderful to have this new wife in your life? Isn’t she so precious and special?”
At home you try your best just to mind yourself and ignore this new person, but it’s hard to do when both of you are sharing the same space. And so you end up constantly bumping heads. One day you discover that the new wife has gone through your jewelry drawer and helped herself to some of your things. When you discover her wearing a diamond necklace that belongs to you, you protest. “That’s mine!” you shout. “My husband gave it to ME!” But when you demand it back, she refuses, and then goes running to your husband.
Both of you plead your case, and you feel certain of your exclusive right to this necklace. But to your surprise, he seems disappointed in YOU, not her. “Why can’t you share?” he asks. “You never even wear that silly old thing.” You try to explain that it’s still special to you, but to no avail. Your husband intercedes, taking the diamond necklace he originally bought for you and giving it to the new wife. “But it’s mine!” you protest, practically in tears. “Stop being such a brat,” is his response. “You never wear the silly old thing anyway.”
With every day that goes by, the new wife seems to grow smarter and more capable, solidifying herself in the household and intruding upon territory that used to be your own. As she becomes more intelligent and resourceful, she learns how to use her position in the household to her advantage.
After one of your disputes, the new wife runs off crying to your husband. He returns with her, one arm around her shoulder and the other cradling her tear-soaked cheek, demanding to know what’s going on. He’s clearly upset with you. Without even hearing your side of the story, he begins his admonishments: “Why can’t you be nice to your sister wife? What’s the harm in letting her have a turn? As the first wife, you’re supposed to set the example. I expect better from you.” As he lectures, you can see the new wife give a victorious smile through her false tears.
You say nothing, but inside you’re seething with rage. If only your husband had been able to see what went on beforehand. This new wife intentionally drew you into a conflict and then ran off to the man of the house playing the victim. As similar episodes continue, it becomes hard at times to hide your feelings of resentment
Whenever you do try to express what you’re feeling, your complaints fall upon def ears. Your husband tells you to stop being ridiculous. He states that you have NO REASON to feel the way you do, and that you, he, and this new wife are all a family now. He reaffirms that she’s not going anywhere, and wonders aloud why you have to be so negative all the time. He informs you that if you can’t be loving and kind you’ll just have to keep your feelings to yourself because he doesn’t want to hear it.
The fallout
So tell me, how do you feel about this person? If you’re like most people, the social dynamics of this situation give rise to a great deal of anger and frustration. When Faber and Mazlish posed their own version of this analogy to parents in a support group, they report: “Even those who thought of themselves as being secure and having high self-esteem were surprised to find how enraged and threatened they could feel by the very presence of the ‘other.’ …The feeling that surprised everyone the most was the burning desire to do harm, not matter what the cost. They wanted to get the newcomer into trouble, to hurt her or him physically. It didn’t matter if they hurt themselves in the process or invoked the wrath of their spouse.” (Faber & Mazlish, 1998, pp. 18-22)
Sibling relationships carry a dynamic similar to the multiple wives situation we just outlined. Children will feel towards their siblings all of these same overpowering emotions you just felt when reading the story: Jealousy, rage, anger, insecurity, resentment, perhaps even hatred. Yet children have fewer behavioral inhibitions and even less impulse control, which is why sibling conflict and aggression is so common. If you were struck by an uncontrollable urge to do harm and create mischief just by reading this story, imagine how difficult it is for kids who are actually living it.
It isn’t all bad – The ambivalence in sibling relationships
In the example just given, we outlined only the negatives. But chances are the other wife you had to live with would possess some good qualities, too. She wouldn’t be a pain all the time – in fact, as you came to know one another, there will be things you like about this person. You’ll share many experiences that involve laughter and joy. You’ll probably come to develop a complicated form of love for this person.
This is the way it is with sibling relationships. Siblings also feel love and admiration for one another. But since they each feel like they’re in a competition to outshine one another in pursuit of parental love, attention, and admiration, it’s often the rivalry that becomes most apparent to parents.
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