Jealousy between brothers and sisters is a slightly different monster from ordinary sibling rivalry. Whereas rivalry is natural and sometimes healthy, jealousy arises when one kid feels he or she is getting the shorter stick and losing out to their rival, and it’s almost never healthy.

Low-level jealousy

Sibling jealousy exists along a spectrum, from the minor to the significant. Low level jealousy is quite common between siblings, and arises whenever children are frustrated that their needs aren’t being met as they would like them to be. In these situations jealousy may not even be the best description for what a child feels inside. It’s not so much that they’re jealous of something about their brother or sister. It’s that you as parents possess something they need: love and attention. If they feel they aren’t getting enough of it or aren’t getting it at the times they need, their first tendency is to look for someone to blame. A convenient target for blame is that other life form that shares the same collective resources as they do. This creates jealousy.

As Babcock and Keepers write, “jealousy is a feeling which results from a competitive structure. It assumes there’s not enough to go around.” (1976, p. 156) Therefore siblings make a convenient target for general frustration – one of the reasons why conflict and rivalry tend to heat up whenever there is general discontent in the family.

In dealing with low-level jealousy, parents should . . .

1. Help a child express their needs absent their sibling. For example, when your child comes to you and says, “Johnny always gets to sit on your lap!” have them rephrase their feelings WITHOUT using their sibling: “I would really like to sit on your lap more!” This helps them understand their frustration in terms of what they need rather than something their sibling is taking away.
2. Encourage them to think of ways to meet their needs that are fair to everyone. Often this will involve simply waiting their turn. But when they do the mental math on their own to reach this conclusion, it erodes the sense of injustice they might otherwise feel.

Extreme jealousy

Then there’s high level jealousy. This typically occurs when one child in the family excels at something in particular. Maybe one child happens to be blessed with beauty and good looks. Maybe one sibling is especially good at sports. Perhaps one child is rewarded with a coveted prize (a trip to meet the president; a lead role as a model or actor; a mention in the paper, etc.) that can’t be shared with the other children. Perhaps there’s favoritism in the family, which is another problem altogether. These situations can create an extreme form of jealousy that is capable of causing significant conflict, destroying relationships and tearing the family apart.

Insecurity is what drives such jealousy. Think about what might make you jealous. Say that somebody you knew from high school becomes a rich and famous movie star. Are you jealous? The answer to this question is going to depend a lot on how happy and secure you are in your own life. If you’re reasonably happy and content with your life and relationships, you may be mildly enamored and entertain yourself with thoughts of what it might be like, but you’re not going to be upset that you aren’t in his shoes. You certainly wouldn’t drop everything to trade places. You might even see such a lifestyle as an unnecessary hassle. If, on the other hand, you’re unhappy in your current situation and place a high value on fame and fortune, then the jealousy you feel inside is likely to eat you alive.

Extreme jealousy between siblings operates under the same principle. It’s driven by insecurity and feeds off the unhappy feeling that someone is receiving something that you’re missing out on.

Dealing with jealousy between siblings

To combat the jealousy, you want to look for ways to A) Make the jealous child more secure, and B) Help them place less value on what their sibling has. Here are some ideas:

1. Be vocal about what you admire in the jealous child. Help them realize they possess admirable traits, too.
2. Ask them how they think their life would improve if they were in that position. Get into specifics. Then have a discussion to help them realize that A) Reality probably isn’t as rosy as what you imagine it to be, and B) There are other ways to get what it is you’re truly after. Make sure they’re not confusing the means with the ends, and help them map their own path to happiness.
3. Teach children to analyze and use jealousy rather than be controlled by it. Believe it or not, jealousy can serve a useful purpose: it’s an emotion meant to propel us forward, to attain what others seem to be benefiting from. The trick is to use it constructively, and that’s where most people fall short. Help them use these feelings as fuel while they embark on their own path to attain happiness.
4. Point out how other people in life also have to cope with the fact that others possess certain things they do not. Even billionaires and movie starts have many areas where others outperform them. Trying to measure your worth according to others is a surefire path to misery. Now is a good time to learn this all important lesson.
5. Make sure the privileged sibling isn’t throwing it in the face of their brothers and sisters. If they are, deal with it firmly and make it very clear that you expect them to be a gracious winner.

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