If your child is being bullied by classmates, often the first thought that enters parent’s mind is how to go about logging a complaint with the school. But reporting school bullying can come with unforeseen complications, and even whether or not you should report it is often a question parents struggle with. This information will help you decide when it’s necessary to file a complaint about bullying with the school, and then walk you through the reporting process step by step so that you’re prepared for what may follow.

When to report bullying to a school

Not every single schoolyard spat requires the attention of teachers or school administrators. So how does a parent know when to report bullying? We’ve assembled some reflective questions you can ask yourself that will help you decide when to get the school involved in resolving a bullying issue:

1. Where precisely did the bullying take place? If it did not occur on school grounds, the school is not responsible and has no leverage to do anything about it. (An exception to this rule is if it occurred on a school bus.) It’s like trying to take a complaint to Wal-Mart for something that happened at Taco Bell. Schools cannot address cyberbullying either, even if it involves other kids from school, since what students do on their own time is their own business and outside a school’s jurisdiction.

2. Is it ongoing? A single isolated incident may not recur and thus may not require the school’s attention. In fact, drawing the school into the situation is often a good way to make an isolated incident into a recurring one, since it may anger the other kids involved. If it’s a pattern of bullying, it needs to be addressed.

3. How upset is your child? If they seem only mildly bothered by the incidents and it doesn’t seem to be impacting their mental health or school work in any appreciable way, it may not require adult intervention.

4. Does the child want this action taken? When it comes to bullying, school interventions can all too often make things worse, and you should only take this step if a child is overwhelmed or feels that the situation is beyond their control. Remember, kids must learn to manage their own affairs, so you can’t just step in to defend your child anytime someone is mean to them. Some children who desperately need intervention may still fight it, so you have to weigh a child’s wishes against the gravity of the situation. But you should place significant weight on whether or not they feel they need assistance in dealing with this problem. Plus, bullying is often a deeply personal issue. To an insecure teen, discussing these vulnerabilities with teachers or other adults who they must see and interact with on a daily basis can be a painful process in itself. If they think they can handle it on their own in a productive way, let them. Talk out ways they can confront it themselves. Remember that many children who report bullying just want to release stress by talking it out with someone, and may not need anything more than a sympathetic ear. So ask them directly: Do you feel it’s gotten to the point where you need adult intervention, or would you like to continue to deal with it yourself?

5. Is it violent? Does it involve theft or destruction of property? In both these instances, school officials should be notified. This isn’t just taunting, this is criminal behavior, and needs to be addressed.

What to expect when reporting school bullying

Parents should temper their expectations about what will happen after reporting to a school that their child is being bullied. While patience doesn’t come easy for a parent when their child is the one being harassed, schools often have few tools at their disposal, and they cannot produce overnight miracles. Schools can only address what they witness, and kids are usually pretty good at hiding or disguising malicious behavior so that the teachers don’t see. If they pull the other child (or children) aside for a talk, usually what happens is that the other child denies it or gives a different version of events, and you’re stuck in a Mexican standoff of he-said, she-said. Moreover, the most manipulative kids (which bullies have a tendency to be) can be quite good at portraying themselves as charming and innocent in front of adults.

Schools can’t just take your word for it that this is what has happened and then rush off guns blazing to settle the issue. From your standpoint, it involves you personally and your child is the victim. From the school’s standpoint, you’re just one among many of the (potentially crazy) parents they have to try and keep happy on a daily basis. You may be perfectly sane, and your child may be perfectly truthful about what happened. Yet schools DO deal with loony-toon parents, they DO, on a regular occasion, have situations that turn out to be completely-opposite of how they initially appear. They also have to protect the other child from what could be baseless accusations (and sometimes are), and they also must protect themselves from a legal standpoint, because the other child also has a parent who might be equally upset about their child’s rights being trampled upon. So they must treat the other child as innocent unless they have solid proof they are guilty.

Even when school officials do witness it or are able to document something, they can’t simply shake the perpetrator silly or turn a magic dial and make it go away. There are proper procedures that need to be followed and a series of progressive steps taken to deal with the issue. When a teacher does intervene, it often does little more than enrage the bully and ensure that all future incidents occur either out of that teacher’s sight or perhaps off school grounds.

Thus, if you’re expecting a quick fix, you’re going to be disappointed. Even in the most proactive of schools there will need to be an investigation before anything else can happen, and that will take time. In your initial contact with the school, you should have the objective of reporting precisely what is occurring and initiating the exploration for a solution. Don’t expect instant gratification or assume things will be settled right away.

Other things to expect when reporting bullying to a school:

1. Understand that the school cannot legally discuss other students with you. So it’s going to be a very one-sided conversation and you won’t be able to learn anything about the other students involved.

2. Your child needs to be prepared to give a detailed accounting of what has occurred, so you might want to prep them ahead of time. And since the discussion may be difficult, create a signal your child/teen can use when she wants you to take over the discussion.

What to do BEFORE you report bullying to a school

A little bit of preparation can make this whole experience go a lot smoother. Here are some tips and guidelines about what you should do before you report:

1. Calm down. If you need to wait a day, so be it, just make sure your emotions are under control before you call. If you come off angry and upset, the school official is going to naturally revert to being defensive and on edge. That’s not a productive way to have a conversation.

2. Find out from your child if there are any witnesses to any of the incidents. Having a teacher or staff member who can back up your child’s story is good, but having another neutral and uninvolved child who may have witnessed it can also be beneficial. However, prepare yourself for the possibility that the teacher your child cites may have been around but not aware of precisely what was happening, and thus may not be able to corroborate the story. Other kids may have witnessed it but might be reluctant to get involved. Even so, being able to supply the school with potential witnesses at least gives them a direction to go on and lends your complaint more credibility.

Even when school officials do witness it or are able to document something, they can’t simply shake the perpetrator silly or turn a magic dial and make it go away. There are proper procedures that need to be followed and a series of progressive steps taken to deal with the issue. When a teacher does intervene, it often does little more than enrage the bully and ensure that all future incidents occur either out of that teacher’s sight or perhaps off school grounds.

Thus, if you’re expecting a quick fix, you’re going to be disappointed. Even in the most proactive of schools there will need to be an investigation before anything else can happen, and that will take time. In your initial contact with the school, you should have the objective of reporting precisely what is occurring and initiating the exploration for a solution. Don’t expect instant gratification or assume things will be settled right away.

3. For younger kids, speak with the teacher first about the problems your child is experiencing. If it’s a minor incident involving normal childhood meanness or name-calling, you may be able to resolve it directly with them. Kids in junior high and high school tend to have multiple teachers who each spend only a minimal amount of time each day with your child, and so talking with a teacher may be useless unless you know it is occurring in a specific class. At these ages, bullying tends to occur more in the hallways or common areas before, after, or in-between classes, so it’s less centralized. In this case you should take your complaint directly to an administrator and talk either to the principal, vice principal or secretary. If you want to log a formal complaint, always be sure to do so with an administrator and request a copy of the incident report to ensure it is actually done. In younger grades, your child’s teacher may feel slighted if you take it to their superiors before even letting them know there’s a problem, and since you want to keep teachers on your side, do them the courtesy of informing them first.

4. Be civil. Do not act angry or upset or make accusations against school officials. Don’t make threats. Threatening to sue the school may help you feel better in the moment, but it won’t help your cause any. From that point on, the school may refuse to discuss the issue with you as a potential litigant. It’s also a hollow threat. Schools generally enjoy blanket liability protection from the U.S. government and are notoriously hard to sue. And making other types of threats may land you in jail. So handle your frustration productively.

5. Accept the possibility that your child may be at least partly to blame or guilty of some transgressions themselves. It’s quite common as details unfold to find out that the bullied child may have engaged in some retaliatory aggression themselves.

6. Difficult as it may be, do not deride or speak harshly of the other child. Try to remain neutral. Expressing anger or hatred towards them or sending subtle barbs about the “mean girl” with “a bitch for a mother” who is tormenting your kid isn’t helpful, and you may lose the respect of school officials if you do it.

7. Focus on solutions, not punishment. Talk about the behaviors you want to go away, not the horrible consequences you want brought on the other child. Remind yourself that many kids who participate in bullying come from disadvantaged or abusive family backgrounds themselves, so instill yourself with a little empathy towards the accused. Your goal should be to resolve the situation productively, not punish the perpetrator. Remember that kids will be kids, and on the other side of this conflict sits an insecure young person, not the devil’s advocate. Compassion is an absolute must.

8. Offer solutions and possible resolutions, not just complaints. Make yourself available to meet with the other parent. Ask what you or your child can do. Sympathize with the school’s predicament and limited options. Schools are more likely to work for a cooperative parent who seems willing to work with them than they are to take efforts for a stubborn, cranky and uncooperative one who only brings problems.

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