Sexual play is common in childhood. Play is the way children learn about their world, exploring new themes and testing out different roles and situations. Since most play at its core involves mimicking the behavior observed in adults, most children will eventually direct their play toward sexual themes.
Is sexual play between children harmful?
Not in the least, unless it’s accompanied by things that would make it harmful, such as ab_se or humiliation. Contrary to popular belief, sexual experiences in and of themselves aren’t the least bit harmful to children. In fact, if you set aside our culture’s hysteria about children and sex, it’s probably a highly beneficial activity, allowing kids to satisfy their curiosity, learn more about the b_dies of others, and explore themes of intimacy and romance. Studies have suggested kids have “a great need” to explore sexual themes through play. (Gunderson, Melas & Skar, 1981) Children in every culture around the world engage in sex play, and so do all of our primate relatives, including chimps, bonobos, and monkeys. (Ford & Beach, 1951; DeWaal, 2001; Woods, 2011) Which shows that not only is such behavior natural, but it likely serves an important developmental purpose, since nature doesn’t compel organisms to do things just for the heck of it.
That said, parents must be cognizant of the world we are living in, and in this culture, with its sexually neurotic beliefs, ignoring such behavior could have serious consequences. So even if the activity isn’t harmful from a developmental perspective, and certainly isn’t something anyone should freak out about, adults should take steps to gently redirect children when they observe it, if only to cover their own ass.
Why do children engage in sexual play?
As just discussed, sex play arises spontaneously in children, and can be a way to satisfy normal curiosity. It can serve a developmental purpose and seems to be something nature intended for children to do.
Sometimes sexual play is a way foe children to work out feelings of stress, anxiety or confusion. Play provides a means for children to explore things that are causing them anxiety in a more relaxed setting that they can control. Thus play can be an outlet for children to work out things that are troubling them.
However, adults shouldn’t assume this more ‘troubling’ scenario when natural motivations are far more likely. It also should be noted that the conflicts giving rise to such anxieties are often caused by rather mundane things, such as children witnessing sexual activity and not understanding what they’re seeing.
Is sexual play a sign of abuse?
Not usually. Although it is true that children who’ve been molested are more likely to engage their peers in sexual play, most sexual play arises naturally. So adults shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Odds are far more likely that what you’re witnessing is the spontaneous variety.
Types of sexual play
Sexual play can take many forms. There is the spontaneous exploration that arises rather organically, as well as more structured group games revolving around sexual themes. “There are a lot of erotic forms of play,” says sociologist Barrie Thorne. (Sharples, 1-28-2008) In fact, a number of childhood games (truth or dare, spin the battle) are little more than vessels invented to provide an excuse for kids to explore sexual behavior.
Explorative play
Games such as ‘mommy-daddy” and “doctor” serve as a front for body exploration and sexual touching, and are common by age four. (Yates, 1978) In fact, most of us will have had experience with such games, which is why you can use the term “playing doctor” and everyone instantly knows what you mean.
These sessions can sometimes lead to rather overt sexual behavior all on their own. For example, when a group of kindergartners were “playing doctor,” one 5-year-old boy put his penis in the mouth of another 5-year-old at the suggestion of the third kid. (In Re M.D. 38 Ohio St. 3d 149, 527 N.E. 2d 286, Ohio 1988) Children seem to possess an innate instinct for erotic interaction, and may arrive at blatant sexual acts all on their own, even if they know next to nothing about sex.
Kissing games
Kissing games are one of the most common forms of sexual play, frequently emerging as early as preschool. “Kiss chase is our big game,” says one early childhood educator in Ireland. “The girls think it’s brilliant.” A second teacher chimes in: “Ours is ‘kiss and strip.’ They kiss and pretend to take their clothes off and touch each other.” (Tobin, 1997, p. 130)
Sexual games children play
Sexual play may take the form of an organized game such as spin the bottle or truth or dare. In spin the battle, kids sit in a circle. One child spins the bottle, and then has to make out with whomever the bottle is pointing toward when it stops spinning. Or they may then pair up and go to the closet and grope one another. The game offers a way for kids to explore sexual behavior stripped of its social connotations. They’re simply following the rules of the game, and can’t be faulted for the sexual activity that results from it.
It’s a similar story with truth or dare, which almost always features both truths and dares that revolve around erotic themes. “Truth, dare and consequence’ is played by moral children who need a good excuse,” writes pediatrician Alayne Yates. “They only agree to a nonsexual task such as ‘truth’ or ‘dare.’ When they inevitably fail to tell the truth or complete a dare, they have a moral duty to pay the consequences. As they don’t decide the consequence either, they have little responsibility in the whole matter. They’re acting as good kids should, along accepted guidelines. …The truths and dares are soon dispensed with and the game becomes a progression of touching, rubbing and often genital contact.” (Yates, 1978, p. 207)
Rosalind Wiseman describes a game called “nervous” that operates under a similar principle. A boy runs his hand up or down a girl’s body until she halts it by calling out “Nervous!” (Wiseman, 2006, p. 252) This allows the girl to maintain her “good girl” image as she consents too letting a boy feel her up. Calling the game “nervous” implies she’s a good girl and sexual interaction makes her nervous. And if she lets the touching progress, then she’s merely brave and fearless, not a slut.