Improve Your Child’s Self-Esteem

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The information herein provides practical guidance on how to improve your child’s self-esteem. Unfortunately, many people go about trying to boost their child’s self-esteem in all the wrong ways. So be sure to read the information on our page +The Self-Esteem Trap+ before tackling the guidance here.

How to improve a child’s self-esteem

There are any number of things that can help build self-esteem of the authentic variety:

  • Giving kids greater responsibility and independence
  • Learning new skills or acquiring new knowledge
  • Engaging in social activities
  • Helping them achieve mastery over something
  • Obtaining awards or accomplishments
  • Spending time around unrelated adults who can serve as mentors
  • Praising children in the proper ways)
  • Creating things with their hands
  • Encouraging kids to try new things
  • Using their imagination
  • Helping others or caring for something (whether person or pet)
  • Teaching their knowledge and skills to others.

Let’s get started improving your child’s self-esteem by exploring some of these things in greater detail.

Boost your child’s self-esteem by offering the right type of praise

All parents praise their children. Few realize that the manner in which you praise your kids can have a dramatic effect on their self-esteem. For example, a study in the +Journal of Personality & Social Psychology+ gave 400 5th graders two puzzles to complete; first a difficult one, which was then followed by an easy one. While doing the harder puzzle, one group was praised for their intelligence (“You must be smart at this!”), whereas the other group was praised for their effort (“You must have worked really hard!”). After both groups were unable to complete the difficult puzzles, all the kids were given an easier one to do. The ‘smart’ group, discouraged by their previous failure, did 20% worse than they had on the initial round, whereas the kids praised for their effort did 30% better–a 50% swing in their performance. (Patz, 2010)

Studies such as this show that how you praise your child can have a measurable impact on their self-confidence. With that in mind, here are some guidelines for offering children praise:

Praise children for their efforts, not their talent
To praise children for their talent implies that they have an inherent gift for greatness that manifests itself without much effort. This message is neither true nor healthy, and it implies children either ‘have it or they don’t,’ prompting them to give up in the face of adversity. Praising children for their effort and perseverance, on the other hand, implies that they can tackle difficult challenges through hard work and willpower. These kids will have a higher self-esteem and be more resilient when faced with adversity. (Werner & Smith, 1992) This doesn’t mean you can’t ever compliment a child for a natural talent, but this should be significantly outweighed by effort-driven praise.

Be specific when praising children
Rather than saying something like, “You’re the best big sister ever,” be specific in the praise you offer: “I really liked how you helped your little sister get dressed. That was nice of you.” Not only is specific praise more meaningful, but it again places the emphasis on +what a child does+ rather than +what a child is.+

Don’t get too carried away with your praise
If you run around complimenting children on every little thing they do, kids will grow dependent on praise and begin to need this constant validation from others. This becomes a real problem when the outside world isn’t as forthcoming with praise as you are at home, tanking your child’s self-esteem. It can also lead to self-absorption. “When ego-boosting parents exclaim ‘Great job!’ not just the first time a young child puts on his shoes but every single morning he does this, the child learns to feel that everything he does is special,” notes psychologist Lori Gottlieb. “What starts off as healthy self-esteem can quickly morph into an inflated view of oneself–a self-absorption and sense of entitlement that looks a lot like narcissism.” (Gottlieb, 2011, p. 72) Keep in mind that children have their own internal motivations. They need to hear validation from adults, but they don’t need it every time they function as they are expected to.

Praise kids for their courage
Praise children for taking appropriate risks and stepping out of their comfort zone. Praise them for trying even if they fail. Offering affirmation for effort when they fall on their face or come up short is just as important as praising them for success, and will give them the motivation to stay optimistic and keep trying.

Activities that will improve your child’s self-esteem

The best way to boost your child’s self-esteem is to encourage activities that allow them to learn new skills and obtain a sense of mastery over something. (Smith & Rideout, 2021) Here are some things you might consider:

A) Team sports are a great way to give your child’s self-esteem a boost, so long as there isn’t an unhealthy emphasis on winning. Team sports provide physical exercise, social interaction, and they allow your child to develop both physical and mental skills that will carry over into other aspects of life, all of which can improve your child’s self-esteem.

B) Encourage your child to take up hobbies, particularly those that allow them to create something new they can feel a sense of pride about. Humans have an inbuilt yearning to create things with their hands, and research suggests a lack of opportunities to do this is fueling depression among people of all ages. We evolved for a world where our ingenuity and ability to modify the environment aided survival, and our brains still yearn for that type of experience–creating useful or pretty things with our hands. Hobbies can be a way of filling that need and improving your child’s self-esteem. There’s painting, sketching, clay and pottery, woodworking, model making (rockets, train, boats or airplanes), beading or jewelry, sewing (a fun skill for fashion-minded kids to learn), photography, computer coding, and lots more. Search for something that interests your child.

C) Knowledge itself can improve children’s self-esteem. So embark on a journey to learn something new and unique with your child, something that gives them a specialized skill. This could be learning how to identify wild plants in the forest, studying the lifestyle of pirates, learning about dog training, or whatever else might interest your child.

D) Unique and adventurous experiences can contribute to a child’s self-esteem. We ARE our experiences, after all, and memorable experiences enrich the narrative of our lives. Vacations to exotic places will certainly fit the bill, but there’s also plenty of simpler things to do in your own neck of the woods: Climb a mountain, make a plan to hike every trail in the area or visit every lake or park, go for a ride in a hot air balloon, rafting,horseback riding, visit different restaurants, camp out, attend a concert, visit performances by local musicians, and so forth. Any unique experience or anything that allows your child to look back and say, “I did that” or ‘I’ve been there” will enrich the storybook of their life and build self-esteem.

E) Volunteer work is another great way to boost your child’s self-esteem. Not only does helping or caring for others boost self-esteem in its own right, it gives your child a reason to feel good about themselves and something to be proud of. The key is to find something interactive and rewarding.

F) A part-time job or internship can be great for teens, especially those kids with developmental delays. It helps them feel valued, needed, and responsible.

G) Having a pet or something to care for can improve children’s self-esteem.

Adjust your parenting to build your child’s self-esteem

Modern-day parenting has been trending toward overprotection. Parents are doing more for their kids than ever before, hovering over them like a military chopper, ready to swoop in at the first sign of trouble. The unintended consequence of this is that kids are being denied the opportunity to solve their own problems, act independently, and do things on their own–all critical pillars that support self-esteem.

A) Look for ways to give your child more independence. Let them go to the park by themselves, walk to school, or do something with friends all on their own. Trust them to be able to survive independently of you, and they’ll begin to trust themselves.

B) If you’re in the habit of solving your child’s problems for them, stop. Provide guidance when needed and step in when truly necessary, but make sure they are the ones doing most of the work most of the time.

C) Look for ways to give your child more responsibility. This can involve simple things like letting them order for themselves at restaurants, or asking staff where the bathroom is. It can mean giving them more responsibility around the house, or responsible things to do within the community.

D) Put your child in charge of doing rewarding things for the family: preparing a meal, planning a vacation, arranging a family excursion, planning a birthday for a sibling, and so forth.

*See also: Attitudes that promote positive self-esteem in children

Be patient & persistent
There is no simple fix for self-esteem problems in children; no formulaic approach or switch you can flip that will instantly build up their self-esteem. It requires time and effort to consistently expose them to the type of ideas and experiences that build self-esteem. But if you consistently try to follow the recommendations discussed herein, you can substantially improve your child’s self-esteem.

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