Step 1: Raising Sexually Healthy Children

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Let’s start with a basic question: How do you expect a child to be able to disclose sexual abuse or talk to you about something that is happening to them if he or she can’t even mention the proper words referring to their genitals without blushing? Raising a sexually healthy child is by far the most important concept in abuse prevention. The entire problem of sexual abuse starts and ends with parental attitudes about sexuality. These attitudes will determine:

A) Whether a child is comfortable talking about sexual issues, and thus, whether they’ll be able to disclose abuse.

B) How susceptible they’ll be to sexual manipulation

C) Whether they’ll react to such incidents with shame and embarrassment or guilt

D) Whether or not any damage is done should an incident occur.

(Yes, ANY. Most incidents of child molestation would be little more than a mildly unpleasant event if it were not for sexual neurosis; which is created by the destructive attitudes and negative beliefs parents promote about sexuality.)

E) A child’s overall psychological health in all aspects of life.

So if you’re worried about harm to you child and want them to grow up healthy and happy, then raising a sexually healthy child should be a parent’s foremost priority. Yet this is also the one area parents tend to struggle with the most. From a very young age, most of us are taught that our genitals are “private.” We treat the words penis, vagina, or vulva like dirty words, hushing and scolding all “potty talk.” We’re told that even discussing such things is impolite and taboo. We freak out over nudity, and squash the open nature children have in regards to their body. We scold and punish children for sexual play. If children show affection towards others that parents perceive as sexual, as they often do, a child is rebuked and scolded. We’re taught by our religious leaders that sexuality is a sin. Perhaps biggest of all, what isn’t said speaks volumes: our silence and discomfort over all matters sexual and parental avoidance of the subject sends kids the message that sexual behavior is taboo, secretive, embarrassing, and to be avoided in discussion at all costs. Most ironically, parents do all of these things under the assumption that this will protect them from abuse.

In reality, all this does is shut the parents out of all matters sexual in their child’s life. An adult who wants their actions to be kept secret will want kids who are shy, timid, and uncomfortable with their body, as these-youngsters make great secret keepers. They will want you telling your kids “let’s not talk about it.” They want sexuality to be a source of embarrassment between you and your child. They want you to ignore the subject, so that they can move in and teach your child in those areas you neglect. They want you to scold your child for expressing sexual behavior, so that your child will try just as hard as they will to keep such experiences from you. When parents turn their back on their child’s sexual nature, the subject doesn’t magically go away; it simply progresses without parental involvement. The train leaves the station, and parents are left on the tracks, hoping for the best as the train rounds a corner and moves beyond a parent’s awareness.

Worst of all, our failure to accept children as sexual beings puts our youngsters in a precarious position. Here’s the most guarded secret about child molestation: what parents label as “bad” touches are often anything but to the child. These “Bad” touches may, in fact, feel quite good. (Constantine & Martinson, 1981) Since children have the capacity for experiencing sexual pleasure and orgasm, all sexual contact that doesn’t injure the child or involve force may actually feel quite good and/or exciting. This is why the most common side effect (and the only universal symptom of sexual abuse) is that children often try to recreate what they experienced, through things such as “sexualized play…masturbation, seductive behavior,” and “requesting sexual stimulation from adults or other children.” (Kendall-Tackett, Williams & Finkelhor, 1993, p. 165) Children may enjoy certain types of sexual affection, they may enjoy the intimacy, they may enjoy the close one on one attention or praise they might receive from their molester, they might enjoy the exploration of things they’ve likely been curious about, or they may enjoy feeling more mature by participating in things that adults go out of their way to restrict them from. So when parents raise their children with neurotic attitudes towards sexuality, getting upset about their child exhibiting sexual behavior, they often force themselves into the position of being the odd man out. Out of the loop, kept in the dark about everything of a sexual nature a child may feel/witness/experience/be curious about, and altogether clueless about how their youngster might react to such experiences.

There are many ways in which this leaves a child vulnerable, some of which are discussed in the section on The Psychology of Abuse. If you have not yet read it, we would encourage you to do so, particularly the puppy analogy given. The bottom line is that by putting ourselves in the position of antagonist against a child’s sexual nature, we place both ourselves and our children in a disadvantaged position on numerous fronts:

*We place our children in a position of feeling guilty over liking or even desiring such contact, which is a response that numerous youngsters have. (Anywhere from 5% to 69%, depending on the sample group; Rind, Tromovitch & Bauserman, 1998. On average based on a variety of studies, evidence suggests that around 25% to 50% report positive reactions, with a median average of around a third; Constantine & Martinson, 1981) Even when the experience overall was uncomfortable, it’s not uncommon for children to feel elements of pleasure at moments, which leads to guilty feelings. This may not only keep a child from disclosing abuse, but it creates more psychological damage amidst it all.

*Our neurotic attitudes about sexual behavior and children pit us against our children’s own biological nature; a nature which often drives children towards sexual curiosity and exploration. (The sole purpose of childhood is curiosity and exploration, and much to the chagrin of parents, this applies to sexual matters as well.) A nature which has given them the biological capacity to feel pleasure by certain types of sexual contact. If you’re upset with this fact, take the issue up with God. We’re reporting on the facts of human biology. The fact remains that parents are attempting to constrain normal development.

*This puts parents in the position of waging war against childhood sexuality. Pitted against our children’s own nature, we engage in a fight to neurotically eliminate all things sexual in our children. We scold them for sexual behavior, inhibit certain expressions of affection, rebuke them for nudity or sexual discussion, and otherwise try to build a brick wall around our children to keep anything sexual away. It puts up a brick wall all right, but not in the way parents envision. This only ensures one thing: we insert a divide between us and our kids in all matters sexual. We create a veil of secrecy by the very fact that we punish rather than embrace a child’s sexual nature. Sexual abuse is comprised of two words, and it is only the latter one that should be threatening to parents. But because parents are overly concerned about the “sexual” part of the equation, when it should be the abuse aspect that matters, we end up fighting the wrong way in a manner that leaves our children more vulnerable to the part of the threat that really matters.

There’s another important reason parents should want to do their best to promote a sexually healthy environment for their children, and that is to protect them from psychological harm.

How a sexually healthy environment prevents harm

“When I was a child, something horribly traumatic happened to me. I was at a neighbor’s house, when her father took us into his room to read a book. We sat on the bed next to each other. It was the middle of summer, so I had on shorts and a Spaghetti-strap tank-top. I was sitting next to him, enjoying the story, and that’s when he touched me . . . right on the elbow! I immediately shivered as I felt his hand on my bare flesh, touching skin against skin. He started slowly caressing my elbow back and forth for what seemed like an eternity. I wasn’t sure whether to cuddle back or feel violated. There was his hand, on my elbow, for the duration of the story. Shamelessly feeling up my flesh, rubbing his palms against the curves of my funny bone. I was devastated. It took me years of therapy to overcome this horrible act of abuse, this monstrous intrusion on my body. The man was arrested and will spend the rest of his life behind bars, which provides a little comfort. Yet I still have flashbacks to that fateful day, and sometimes awaken in a nightmare over the incident, even 25 years later.”

The preceding account probably sounds absurd to you, and indeed it is. If someone were to claim lifelong devastation over a non-aggressive touch to their nose or hair, they would be laughed out of town. So consider this: the ONLY reason (and this is scientifically provable, by the way) that a touch to the genitals is any more potentially traumatic than a touch to the nose, shoulder, or any other part of the body, IS BECAUSE PARENTS AND SOCIETY AT LARGE GO THROUGH GREAT LENGTHS TO GIVE CHILDREN A COMPLEX ABOUT SEXUAL ASPECTS OF THEMSELVES IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The embarrassment, discomfort, shame, and feelings of vulnerability most of us feel when it comes to nudity or aspects of sexuality is not natural, but something created through our early environments. (Orbach, 2009) When a child is born, there are no naughty places, no aspects of their body to be embarrassed about. They are innocent in the truest sense of the word. They’ll run around the house buck naked without the slightest bit of shame or embarrassment. They’ll share affection freely with anyone who gives it to them. All body parts are created equal, and sensations aren’t considered evil on account of which part of the body they come from. Contact isn’t constrained by a hundred abstract beliefs about what everything should mean. Young children are comfortable in their own skin, prone to displaying exhibitionist behavior; freely sharing affection of all types, and not bothered in the least by nudity. (Gunderson, Melas & Skar, 1981; Sears, 1965)

Yet from the moment children start walking and talking, we begin to erode this natural innocence, saddling them with attitudes and beliefs which surround anything sexual in a guilt complex of massive proportions. Parents are often advised that if their child masturbates, they should slap her hand away and give her a toy instead. We act uncomfortable over our children’s nudity as well as that of our own. We chop apart and divide their body according to geographical locations: sensations or affection derived from the cheek or shoulder or fingers or toes, wonderful. Sensations derived from below the waist area: horrible, naughty, evil, sent directly from the devil himself. When they dare to explore, be it through sexual play with another child or sexual affection towards adults, they are scolded, reprimanded, punished. Any inquiries about sex are met either with lies or silence. In everything parents do, they convey attitudes about sexuality, for better or worse. Children are masters at absorbing the messages in their environment, and for most kids, this means they quickly learn to associate sexual identity or sexual matters with shame, embarrassment, rejection, discomfort, disapproval, vulnerability, and a variety of other negative emotions…the very things that tend to cause harm from sexual abuse.

When parents raise a child in a sexually healthy way, it eliminates or at least vastly diminishes the potential for psychological harm from such acts, even if something should occur. The very shame, embarrassment, and psychological turmoil that parents fear is produced almost entirely from the shameful, destructive beliefs we model for our kids about sexual behavior. Take this away, and a touch to the genitals is no more disastrous than a touch to the elbow. So if you can eliminate sexual neurosis through the promotion of a sexually healthy environment, you can eliminate as much as 95% or more of the harm that sexual abuse might cause. In other words, for those who truly have concerns for their child’s welfare at heart, a sexually healthy environment is every bit as important as protecting your child from harm in the first place.

The Sexually Healthy Environment

There are numerous components to a sexually healthy upbringing. The more of these you follow, and the greater degree to which you live these principles, the better off your child will be:

  1. A sexually healthy child is one who is comfortable with all parts of their body. They can talk about their penis or vulva as easily as they would talk about their fingers or toes.

  1. Healthy body attitudes are promoted, which means nudity is neither shamed nor discouraged, under safe situations, of course. Parents should do all they can to send the message that the sexual areas of a child’s body are just as acceptable and embarrassment-free as the other aspects of themselves.

  2. Parents promote an open environment for discussion. Children are talked to and taught about sex from early on, as the situations for such discussion present themselves.

  3. Parents do their best to avoid promoting negative messages in relation to sexuality. These are any messages that: A) Elevate the significance of sexuality (abstract, meaningless concepts that promote the idea that a sexual experience is life-altering or un-forgivable; reacting irately to sexual issues, since children internalize their environments), or B) Messages that shame sexual expression or identity (scolding children for masturbation or sexual play; shaming a child over crushes or for sharing affection, etc.).

Children absorb the messages in their environment, both that which is spoken and that which is implied, and so parents need to make sure they are reinforcing positive messages about sexual identity in all aspects of their everyday life. You can’t pretend to promote a sexually healthy environment, you have to live it. It requires some effort and won’t happen overnight, especially since implementing these principles usually means overcoming years of neurotic beliefs from our own upbringings; beliefs that our own parents drilled into our identity, just as their parents did to them.

Yet the reward is well worth the effort. Just as it’s important to break away from the grips of intergenerational family abuse, it’s important that parents do all they can to break the cycle of sexual shame. It not only protects them from abuse, but prevents a great deal of emotional turmoil in many aspects of their lives. It will make the teenage transition years easier, promote a better relationship between parent and child, and instill a healthy psychology that will last through adulthood and beyond. We have a variety of resources in our raising sexually healthy children area to guide parents throughout this process. In the meantime, here are some absolute musts for parents who want to protect their child from abuse:

No Scolding
Never scold a child for sexual behavior. One such irate reaction or intense scolding by a parent is enough to ensure your child will hide all sexual matters from you in the future, including any sexual experiences with an adult, essentially giving a molester free reign to do whatever they would like. Children who are scolded for sexual expression will try just as hard as their molester to keep abuse secret.

Start Early
Children are born without shame of themselves. Let’s keep it that way. As soon as kids begin to talk, teach them the words for their body parts, including their sexual organs.

Pet Names Versus Actual Terminology
Many parents use pet names when referring to their child’s sexual organs. While this isn’t necessarily bad, you also want to make sure you are using correct terminology with your kids. Avoiding the correct names can reinforce the shame aspect, and it also leads to confusion with others. If you use pet names, spend some time with real terminology so that children know their “little Frankie” is the same as their penis, or that their “kitty cat” is also their vulva.

Use Body Talk In Daily Routines
Take advantage of daily routines to use body talk. Talk to your baby or toddler when you are changing them: “It’s time to wipe around your penis” or “I have to clean up around your anus.” During bath times: “Take that wash cloth and clean around your vagina.” While getting dressed: “Pull your underwear up over your vulva.” After children use the restroom: “Did you remember to wipe your vulva really good this time?” At every opportunity to use those words in everyday conversation, do so. Don’t cut the words out of the sentence, look for ways to put them into it.

Provide Discussion Tools
Surround children with opportunities for learning about their body. Provide them with anatomically correct dolls, and read them books that talk about the body or show depictions of nude figures. We offer a variety of such books in our sexually healthy child online library.

Answer Their Questions
Give children honest answers to their questions regarding sexuality as they arise, no matter what the question, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, and no matter how “adult” you think the answer may be. There is nothing about life that kids “can’t know” or “will be damaged by knowing.” Use kid friendly terms and explanations, but answer honestly, and to the best of your ability.

The Basics of Sexuality

Teach children the basics of sexuality, enough to satisfy their curiosity and help them understand the things they see in the media and the world around them. All children should know:

A) The difference between boys and girls

B) That their genitals are sexual organs, and that moms and dads use these parts to make a baby

C) The basics of attraction; that as we grow, boys become attracted to girls and girls to boys. This attraction makes them like to hug, kiss, and touch each other in different ways. Sometimes people can get attracted to their own gender, and sometimes adults can get attracted to children in the wrong way, which is why we learn about bad touches

D) Sex is something that only adults do.

Have Older Kids Help You Take Care of Younger Kids
Having older kids help take care of those younger counterparts provides a great opportunity for body discussion. Let them assist with diaper changes, giving the young ones a bath, helping them get dressed, or other daily caretaking chores. When they hear you talking freely about the sexual organs with the little ones, they will also start to open up. Consider giving older kids the job of helping their younger siblings learn about their body, by reading them our body books or working with them on the worksheets.

Encourage Children’s natural Body Expression
Encourage children’s natural body expression, don’t suppress it. If children want to go nude in appropriate circumstances, let them. If they want to walk around the house half naked or take off their clothing to run through the sprinklers in the backyard, so be it. This type of openness with their body doesn’t invite abuse, it prevents it by keeping their attitudes about their body shame free and easy to talk about.

Resources for Kids

Proud of Me activity book-boys

Proud of Me workbook-girls

More Information on Sexual Abuse Prevention


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