Talking about pornography should be a basic part of sex education, since the medium has become such a prominent part of our sexual lives. If you suspect your child has been exposed, that talk should probably happen sooner rather than later. Yet broaching this topic is extremely difficult for parents. Here are some guidelines that might make it easier:

Getting the conversation started
If you’re reading this material because you found them looking at porn, it’s best to rip off the band-aid directly and tell them you want to have a discussion about the things they saw. If you’re looking to have a talk as part of their everyday sex education, start off by asking younger kids if they know what pornography is. (There’s no point in asking your adolescent this question, since they already know what it is, unless your family has been living in a cave all their lives, and maybe not even then, since porn has even been discovered throughout the network of caves used by the Taliban in Afghanistan.) If they don’t know (or if they pretend they don’t), explain that pornography is a label that describes pictures or videos of people naked or engaged in sexual activity, which others like to watch because it’s fun/interesting/appealing to look at.

If you don’t already know the answer to this question, there’s little point in asking your kids if they themselves have viewed it, unless you enjoy seeing the look on their face when they lie to you. Just assume that it’s likely any child in 5th grade or above has been exposed. Instead make an indirect inquiry, asking if they know of any kids at school that are viewing it. This takes the spotlight off them and allows them to participate in the conversation more freely. Then say something like, “If you haven’t encountered it already, I’m sure you will at some point, and I want to make sure you understand a few things about it.”

Watch the terms you use
Don’t use degrading words like smut or garbage when referring to porn. This only reinforces sexual shame. In fact, even the word “Pornography” is a loaded word that implies negative judgment, though avoiding the term is difficult. Instead compare it to movies or refer to it as erotica whenever possible. No matter what your personal beliefs on the subject might be, adding to the sexual shame your kids are already smothered with doesn’t help their development.

Avoid moral lectures as much as possible
Try to avoid moralizing the topic. For instance, many parents are inclined to give their kids a lecture on how pornography degrades women, especially if they’re having this conversation because they caught their child viewing it. DON’T DO THIS. Pornography in and of itself isn’t degrading to women, and suggesting it is only further reinforces sexist patriarchal attitudes. Notice that you never hear people suggesting porn degrades the men who work in the genre. The idea that erotic activity is inherently degrading to females is based upon the sexist belief that sexual expression enhances boys and adds to their image but somehow takes something away from the girls. This is a disparaging double-standard we don’t need to be reinforcing.

It’s also sure to confuse children, and carries a high risk of harm. After all, viewers aren’t watching erotica with such disparaging thoughts in mind. They’re watching it for the excitement and pleasure, as well as the appeal of the actors/actresses. So if a child did experience some sort of sexual response from viewing it (which is all but certain), then telling them such inclinations are degrading to women is only going to create an association in their mind that instills another complex about their sexuality, one that could easily fester and grow into a much bigger problem. From there on out, every time a child has sexual thoughts, they will be accompanied by the nagging voice in the back of their mind saying, “Degrading her…degrading her.” You don’t want children to start associating their erotic inclinations with shame and degradation, or this could become its own self-fulfilling prophecy, causing youngsters to develop a fetish wherein degrading acts become sexually exciting.

If you must, you can talk about how certain things might be seen as degrading, but even this is a slippery slope. Better yet, have a conversation about what makes people feel devalued or degraded, which will get at the core issues of affection and respect that you want to be reinforcing, without digging into the nitty gritty of people’s erotic quirks.

The same pitfall applies to any type of moral lecture. Whenever you start describing certain acts or behaviors as inherently wrong/evil/nasty/immoral/degrading, and so forth, you run the risk of planting a seed that grows to consume your child. The sexual research literature is full of examples of people who developed significant sexual problems stemming from a judgmental idea implanted by parents in childhood. So build your moral arguments around the elements involved (love, kindness, care, respect, consent, etc.) as opposed to the diverse ways sexuality is expressed, and certainly not sex itself.

For the religious household

Deeply religious households may have strong moral objections pornography. But it’s important to try and express these views without resorting to sexual shame. So rather than attacking the medium because it’s sexual, state your objections on the basis of the situation and not the behavior:

• I think sex is something personal between two people that should be kept private and not shared with others.

• Our family believes that sex is something sacred that should be reserved for marriage.

Pornography isn’t realistic

The most important message you need to convey to children is that porn isn’t a realistic portrayal of healthy human sexuality. Because we raise kids in sexually repressive environments, there’s little opportunity for them to learn about sex in the context of human relationships. Therefore pornography winds up being a child’s first (and often only) early exposure to sex, giving it an outsized influence on their sexual development. Their erotic drive, rather than being organized around social interaction and affection, instead becomes calibrated according to the superficial eroticism of the porn industry.

Absent a wholesale cultural shift and a return to more natural environments, there’s no way to prevent this entirely. Porn is out there, and your children are almost certain to view it, no matter how vigilant you might be to prevent this. You can, however, at least mitigate this problem by making them aware of the unrealistic nature of porn. Specifically….

1) Porn is stripped of the social and affectional aspects of relationships. It jumps right the sex without depicting any of the other things that are such an important part of romantic relationships.

2) Porn may feature things that aren’t very appealing to one’s partner. On the screen the actors and actresses are playing a part just like they do in movies, and may do things they wouldn’t actually enjoy in real life.

3) Porn emphasizes novelty and excitement, pushing boundaries because this adds intrigue. But it also means you’re frequently seeing extremes. Just as reality TV features extreme personalities, porn tends to feature scripts and/or behavior that pushes the envelope of what’s normal.

Because of these things, what you see in porn is rarely a good example of healthy human relationships. Make sure children understand this.

Everyone has different tastes
Another problem is that kids take what they see in porn and assume they have to like these things too. They use the genre as a template for what they should be, assuming everyone shares such tastes while trying their best to emulate. This can cause two problems: 1) They might assume something’s wrong with them if they’re not turned on by all the same things, and 2) They may sacrifice their own interests trying to conform to everything they see on the screen, which can lead to bad experiences or hinder their ability to develop a healthy sexual psychology of their own.

So explain that just as people like different types of foods, there’s a wide variety in what people find sexually appealing. Everything in porn is appealing +to someone,+ but that doesn’t mean it’s desired by +everyone.+ People are free to pick and choose the things they like to do, and may also choose to participate in things that they might not particularly enjoy but which are pleasing to their partner. There’s certainly nothing wrong with this; such give and take compromise is a part of any healthy relationship. But they should feel free to develop their own interests and communicate these things with their partner.

Porn can be addictive

Just like Facebook and video games, porn can be addictive: it’s easy to get drawn in and spend more time viewing it than one initially intended. Pornography will always be an artificial substitute for real life interaction, and just like any other artificial digital media, it can leave you feeling shallow and empty inside, especially when you spend too much time in cyberspace and not enough in the real world. So even for adults, moderation is important.

Additional tips for talking with boys about porn:

• Boys need to understand that male porn actors are typically chosen because they’re more endowed than the average male. So they shouldn’t judge themselves by the actors they see in porn.

• While you’re at it, you might want to alert them to the fact that pounding away at girls like a jackhammer isn’t necessarily what most females desire, and that more females complain about pain during sex and their boyfriends being too big or too rough than the other way around.

Additional tips for talking with girls

• Girls need to understand that despite the acting of the actresses in porn, many of the things they see on the screen aren’t pleasurable for them. It’s their job to communicate with their partner and tell them what actually feels good (and what doesn’t). Remember: boys are often just as clueless, and have been informed by what they’ve seen on a screen.

• Parents may be more inclined to think girls view porn simply out of curiosity. This isn’t true. Around one-third of regular porn viewers are female, and this 15% or so difference between males and females is probably due more to cultural conditioning as opposed to biological differences in interest.