Thirty Crazy Things You Never Thought You’d Have To Tell Your Children

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Childhood is full of little mishaps as children go about the process of learning what is and isn’t safe to do. Comedian Jim Brewer jokes that once kids start walking, “that’s their job: just look for death.” A large amount of parental energy is spent running around trying to keep children out of the dangerous situations they seem so adapt at finding. Even still, some of these predicaments can leave parents scratching their head and saying, “I never thought I’d have to tell them that.”

So here is a list of instructions that you never thought you’d have to give your children. It’s offered in part to be a fun and amusing read, but also to raise awareness about child safety. After all, each item on this list corresponds to an actual childhood accident or injury, often times one repeated by children the world over. So without further delay, here are some things you might consider telling your kids:

  1. Wearing a cape doesn’t mean you can actually fly.

  2. Don’t insert a screwdriver into your eye socket and then push it into your brain.

  3. No playing in the toilet.

  4. Don’t spray the cleaning liquid from spray bottles into your mouth or eyes.

  5. The shelves in the house are not rock climbing walls.

  6. Never wrap bungee cords around your neck.

  7. Always check the depth of the water before you jump in.

  8. Don’t push your toddler sister (who can’t swim) into the water.

  9. Don’t put on Daddy’s shoes and then try to sprint around the house.

  10. The inside of a washing machine or dryer is not a play area.

  11. Don’t eat rat poison.

  12. Don’t eat magnets or batteries.

  13. Don’t eat mushrooms you find growing outside.

  14. Don’t eat strange things you find on the ground.

  15. Don’t eat jagged metal objects.

  16. Don’t eat dog feces, no matter how much it may look like a chocolate bar. It is not.

  17. In fact, don’t eat anything unless I give it to you personally and tell you to eat it.

  18. No shooting your sister with a BB gun, no matter how much you think she’s “asking for it.”

  19. Don’t fill your ears with rocks, sand or pebbles.

  20. Don’t shove pencils, nails, or screwdrivers up your nose.

  21. Don’t insert objects into your other body cavities, either.

  22. Rattlesnakes are not for playing with, and if you’re not sure what type of snake it is, don’t pick it up.

  23. Mommy doesn’t want to hold the spider you found, either.

  24. Don’t feed your candy to the baby. He may choke.

  25. Don’t play in car trunks or lock yourself inside tight, air-sealed places.

  26. Don’t put plastic bags over your head or climb inside dry-cleaning pouches.

  27. It’s not a good idea to run with sharp objects in your hand.

  28. Just because it comes in bright colors, that doesn’t mean it’s good to drink.

  29. Never assume that a gun you find laying around somewhere is a toy.

  30. Don’t throw heavy items over the balcony in your house or from other high places, even if your playmate insists he’s ready to catch it.

We hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of things you never thought you’d have to tell your kids. Over the coming days and weeks, you might want to pick a few of these prohibitions to go over with your child. Because if you assume they already know such things, you might be one of those parents who finds out the hard way.

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