Step 10: Defeating Secrecy

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In sexual abuse, one of the most fearful aspects for parents is the secrecy involved. The thought that your child is suffering and unable to tell you about it, or that something could be going on right underneath your nose, isn’t easy to swallow. But parents don’t need to be afraid. Molesters use fairly simple psychological tricks to evoke secrecy. It is not black magic, and can be easily defeated if parents know how. The three main methods used are:

1) Threats: Threats are a very powerful tool with children who are inexperienced with the world. Threats used by a molester can involve promises of bad things that will happen to them or those around them if they tell. Threats are often perceived as fact to children. The only other threats they have experience with are those from parents and caregivers, who would usually carry through with them.

2) Reasoning: Some molester conditioning can be very detailed and thought out. They may even use a parents own words to reason with the child why they shouldn’t tell. For example: “Your parents tell you to keep those parts private, so this is something we can’t tell anyone else about, or people will be mad at you. Or, “Your mom and dad said that you should listen to me and do what I tell you. If you tell someone about this, they’ll think you don’t want to do what you’re told and will punish you.”

3) Friendship: A simple “Don’t tell anybody about this” may often work, assuming a molester has built up a good friendship with your child. They may go further by explaining to the child that bad things will happen to them (the molester) if they tell anyone, so they should keep it a secret. The child will often oblige because they do care for the person. They also might use promises of gifts or other things if the child swears to secrecy.

The Difference Between Secrets and Surprises

Make sure that children understand the difference between secrets and surprises. A surprise is something we are keeping from someone for just a little while. We’re saving it to tell at a specific time, such as a surprise party. When people keep surprises, its always OK to share the surprise with other people, just not the people the surprise is for. Secrets are something you keep between yourself and another person (or persons), and never tell anyone. Some secrets can be good, but many are bad.

The Cardinal Rule

Teach children this rule: Any secret you keep from your parents is a bad secret. There are NO EXCEPTIONS! It is a parents job to know everything that happens with their children. No matter who it is, if anyone asks you to keep a secret from your mom or dad it is because they are doing something wrong.

The Difference Between Secrets and Surprises

Make sure that children understand the difference between secrets and surprises. A surprise is something we are keeping from someone for just a little while. We’re saving it to tell at a specific time, such as a surprise party. When people keep surprises, its always OK to share the surprise with other people, just not the people the surprise is for. Secrets are something you keep between yourself and another person (or persons), and never tell anyone. Some secrets can be good, but many are bad.

The Cardinal Rule

Teach children this rule: Any secret you keep from your parents is a bad secret. There are NO EXCEPTIONS! It is a parents job to know everything that happens with their children. No matter who it is, if anyone asks you to keep a secret from your mom or dad it is because they are doing something wrong.

Common Tricks Used to Create Secrecy

You can take away the power from the tricks a molester might use, by discussing them beforehand with your child. Read them the statements below. After each one, ask how it would make them feel, whether or not they would believe such a thing, and how they should respond if anyone ever tells them something like that.

  • If you tell your parents they won’t love you anymore.

  • Don’t tell your parents because if you do they’ll just punish you for making up stories.

  • Your mom will feel so sad and upset if you tell her about this. You don’t want to make your mom sad, do you?

  • This is our own little secret that we share with ourselves and nobody else. All best friends share a secret. This will be our secret. You are my friend, aren’t you?

  • If you’re really my friend you won’t tell anyone.

  • If you tell your parents you’ll be in big trouble. They will be so mad they’ll never forgive you.

  • This is something that all people do, but they keep it to themselves.

  • Your parents do this too. Do they tell you about it?

  • If you tell anyone about this I’ll come into your house at night when you’re sleeping and kill you. Or I’ll kill your whole family and then you’ll be all alone.

  • I know magic, and can read minds. If you ever tell anyone about this, I’ll know the minute you do and will use my magic to make bad things happen to you.

Anti-Secrecy Concepts to Reinforce

Teach children the following concepts to defeat secrecy:

  • If something is hurting or bothering you, you need to tell someone. It may be hard to talk about at first, but once you get it out you’ll feel much better than if you keep it a secret.

  • You’ll never be in trouble for something an adult does to you. Grown ups need to know right from wrong, and if they have you do something wrong, it’s their fault, not yours.

  • Your mom / dad and I want to know everything that happens to you, the good and the bad. Even if it’s something that might make me upset at first, we want to know about it. It would make me much sadder if you kept something secret.

  • I will always love you no matter what. I love you because of who you are, not because of the good or bad things you may do, or may happen to you.

  • No matter what anyone says to you, once you’re back with us you are safe. We will know what to do and find a way to protect you.

  • People make threats in order to scare you into doing what they say. They usually won’t or can’t do what they talk about, they just say those things to scare you into doing what they want.

Who To Tell

Teach your kids that if something is bothering them, its always best to try to talk to their parents first. But if for some reason you can’t talk to your mom or dad, or would rather talk with someone else, there are many others who can help you. Your teachers, other family members, people at your church, or even the parents of your friends will be glad to help you.

Anti-secrecy books & printables for kids:

Tell Me LIttle Bear  A printable PDF

Tell Your Mom & Dad  A printable PDF

Ask Me About My Day worksheet

More Information Abuse Prevention:


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